Dreams and Memories

Listening to this tonight and remembering long, long, ago being in love with my first boyfriend. He played bass. We used to stay up all night talking and listening to music. Completely in our own world and just getting each other. I miss that.
It feels like I'll never have that kind of connection again.

Strange Times

The President played the saxophone
sounded so alone
it was on the news
And from Ursa Minor
in what looked like an
all-night diner
came lonely luminous creatures
whose only human feature
was singing the blues
- Magnetic Fields

I went to meet Baboon Heart Boy at the Neptune Diner the other night at nearly 1 am. Everything seemed slightly surreal. He asked me why I hadn’t written another blog posting about him. “Well you haven’t given me much to go on.” was what I told him. Which was true enough, I hadn’t seen him since the Cracker Jack incident and that had already been documented for posterity. Really all that had transpired between us since then was a lot of late night text messages from him asking me what I was doing, a few vague replies from me about me being out or being busy. Then there was one bizarre phone conversation in which he abruptly asked me if I was in love with him, to which I laughed and said, “NO. I hardly even know you.” That was about it.

So anyway, we’re sitting at this Queens dinner in the early hours of the morning. I’ve been feeling kinda bummed lately – far away from home, jobless and purposeless in a strange city. I thought seeing him and going to the weird diner might cheer me up. I never learn…

I sit down next to him in a booth. He launches into a volley of probing questions about my sex and dating life; when I don’t provide him with immediate answers he starts guessing. I turn the questions back on him. He refuses to answer. The whole time he is observing me scrupulously, taking in every detail, at one point he brings out a little notebook and starts scribbling in it. I assumed he was drawing since he’s an artist but later I realize that he was writing something. God only knows what it might have been. He then starts with his amateur analysis of my character telling me I’m crazy, that everything I think about others is my own projection, wondering why I would want to share things with the world on my blog, etc. He asks my opinion then declares that I’m contradicting myself.

Once I realize a ‘normal’ conversation is not possible with this guy I lose interest in talking and decide instead to observe the inhabitants and environment of the diner: middle aged guy with a belly at the counter hunched over his eggs, bored looking Latino servers in polyester vests standing around surreptitiously watching us, a couple sharing a milkshake, rows of carefully placed miniature boxes of breakfast cereal (how I loved those things as a kid!), porthole inspired mirrors (to go with the whole Neptune theme) and endless dusty brown wood paneling stretching from wall to wall.

Later he walks with me toward my house. I stop him several houses away and thank him for walking me home. I leave him alone on the corner, slightly surprised.

Really, you gotta give a little if you expect to get a little.

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

The last guy that I hung out with was a good looking, talented and successful artist. He ate Crackerjacks in his bed and told me he had a baboon heart.

I told him I was from another planet. Might as well be.

Negativity

Alright, I can admit that I’m hardly Little Miss Sunshine. Little Miss Typhoon would be more apt if one had to use the weather to describe my temperament. Still, I have to draw the limit somewhere. So, when I awoke New Years Eve and the first thing my friend said was, “Its 2010 and we’re both MISERABLE.” I had to stop her. NO. Just, NO. I didn’t leave behind everything I know to move 3000 miles across the country to be miserable. HELL NO!!!

I'm a Fighter AND a Lover. I'm not resigning myself to misery.
Things are gonna get better DAMMIT!