I'm beginning to think I have issues...serrrrrrious issues! Well, if we are truly honest with ourselves, I think we all do. But I'm not gonna let myself off the hook that easy.
The other day my friend referred to me as a 'pimp'. Its kind of funny really but the truth is I'm a bit of a bullshitter with men. No, I don't lie or cheat but I do lay it on thick - flirt and flatter and stroke their egos. And I meet guys all the time. In NY its is getting to be kind of a problem. I meet them everywhere - at the corner deli, at the local cafe, at school, at work, on the street, online, at the bookstore, on the bus, at the pizzeria...wherever. I get asked out all the time. On any given day I have several guys texting me at once. Given that I want to meet someone you'd think - that's great - what's the problem? But the issue is, it never goes anywhere with these guys. I don't sleep with them all, in fact I don't hook up with most of them. Some I go on a few dates with and then never see again, some ask me out but I turn them down, some I do end up dating for a little while. Sometimes I go months without sex - which makes me crazy but you gotta do it. Its not that I don't find these guys appealing - most of them are attractive and if I take the time to go out with them and talk to them I almost always like them. But no one really moves me, no one seems like someone I could really see myself with. One thing about me - good and bad, I guess - is that I give guys chances that most of my friends would turn up their noses at - guys that don't speak that much English, guys who don't have great jobs or lots of money, guys who are from other countries (I'm not just talking Europe here people - I don't care what country they are from if they seem cool and interesting - I'm not biased). But herein lies the problem - I pride myself on not being snobby and I like to tell myself that I could love anybody. However, all my romantic daydreams are beginning to seem like hot air because at the end of the day I don't fall in love with any of these guys. It never goes anywhere because we just don't have enough in common. My crappy Spanish is not enough to sustain a meaningful and deep intellectual conversation with someone, I'm too independent and liberal to date a strict Muslim, I can't marry someone who desperately needs a green card and is OK with arranged marriages, the guy who works in the deli is nice enough but we don't have much to talk about, the older guy who just separated is still not over the dissolution of his marriage, the guy 10 years younger than me isn't mature enough, the emotionally damaged Serbian who's into S&M is too fucked up to sustain a relationship, the guy with the kid who tells me he's a recovering addict sounds like too much trouble, the guy who lives upstate, well - lives upstate and is way into bodybuilding...and on and on it goes. The problem is the more I meet, the more confused I get and then it becomes this attitude of 'easy come, easy go'. I start to feel lost. Instead of empowered I feel hopeless. I start to disgust myself with my easy smile and flirtatious ways; I realize it has become second nature for me, almost a defense against the inevitable pain and disappointment I'm about to feel, to move from one guy to the next.
The first thing I did today after having a frustrating text exchange with a guy I'd been dating where we agreed we were looking for different things - was head to a nearby cafe to flirt with the owner who I knew kind of liked me. After warmly welcoming me he got around to asking me if I was seeing anyone. When I told him nope - there was no one, he leaned over the counter looked at me intently and said, 'Why are you so picky?'. I've heard that question a couple times from guys - I guess the logic is - 'you're an attractive, friendly seeming woman - you must get plenty of offers - WTF is your problem?' And its true, I do get plenty of offers but its never quite right. I just don't know anymore - am I being too picky or not picky enough? I'm starting to think that quantity just confuses and quality is where is at. And I don't mean these guys are bad guys, they aren't. From what I can tell of most of the guys I go out with - they are basically sweet, decent, human beings looking for and deserving of love. But unfortunately we just don't have much in common and though I try, I cannot imagine a life with them. If I'm honest with myself, I probably should have known it was a long shot from the get go.
I dream of the day when some random guy will hit on me and I won't bat an eye, because I'm going home to someone I really love.
