Vet for the Insane

Last night I had a dream that there was a giant rat in my house. I never actually saw the rat until the end of my dream but evidence of it was everywhere. It was gnawing its way through my food, my furnishings... There were big, raw, exposed bite marks on everything. I was terrified of encountering it yet I needed to catch it to remove it from my house. Finally I set a trap for it. It was huge with enormous yellow fangs.
BUT the rat escaped. I was totally freaked out. Then one of my least favorite coworkers appears in the dream. I am hugging him and kissing him. Weird.
I wonder what Freud would make of all this...

One other thing...

My conversation with the old poet started with me scolding him for cutting in line to the wedding buffet. I believe I called him 'Amoral'. He cut right in front of little kids, grandparents, a priest - what a jerk! After he put up with my lecture and subsequent character dissection he had the nerve to say, "You do realize you're completely crazy!"
To which I replied, "Its not the first time I've heard that..."
"But it might be the last, IF I KILL YOU!"
heh heh

How are you?

The Scream

I just got home from a wedding. Now, weddings are not my favorite thing. In fact there has not been a single wedding that I have attended in the last 6 years that has not failed to make me cry hysterically at some point in the night. Granted, over the years I have gotten better at hiding it. Tonight for example, I politely excused myself and drove home, only slightly intoxicated. The problem was that I was listening to U2 and it somehow reminded me of my ex boyfriend (who I thought I was finally over) and then, before you know it, I am sobbing out loud, alone in my car, driving across the Bay Bridge. Red tail lights bleed into an impressionist painting as I wipe streaks of mascara off my face.
It all took a turn for the worse when an older, 50+ poet started to follow me around at the reception. He just wouldn’t leave me alone. At one point he gave me a long hug and told me he loved me. Then he came back later to say “You know I just wanted to tell you that saying ‘I love you’ was just a figure of speech.” To which I replied “Don’t worry, I wasn’t spending all night thinking about it. I forgot you even said that”. At that point he then continued with veiled insults, at one point asking me how old I was. I refused to tell him. He guessed 36. I was pissed! Now, I’m not the youngest woman in the room but I’m not used to people guessing older than my age.
It just sucked. I felt insulted and hit on at the same time. I guess that’s an age old trick; make a woman feel like shit about herself then hit on her. I am tired of sleazy jerks hitting on me. I’m tired of men saying rude and inappropriate things to me and thinking they can get away with it just because I’m single.
I arrived home depressed and lonely. I plugged in my Christmas Tree (to cheer myself up) and called my ex boyfriend. I know, I know, not good. But I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking lonely, you people in relationships have NO fucking idea. He was nice enough but the nevertheless the conversation left me feeling even worse.
So when I listened to my mom’s VM saying, “Hi honey. I just called to see how you are…” it felt very ironic. What should I say?! “Hi Mom, I’m great. I am a 34 year old, single waitress. How the @#$%!&* do you think I am?! I want to gouge my eyes out! I want to die. I can’t stand this any longer. I want to run away to a foreign country and never see anyone I know again. I want to join a monastery in Tibet and never utter a single syllable. I want to disappear from the face of this earth. I want to become lighter than air, a gas that just floats away in the atmosphere. I never want to have a relationship with another human being again for the rest of my life!!!!!” So yeah, that’s how I feel. I don’t think I will tell Mom. It’s just a bad night. I’ve had many, many, many of these. I will get over it. I suppose…
The only thing I can say is writing this makes me a feel a little better.

What a Man!

Anton is completely insane, but still my favorite!

Real Life

I'm not convinced anyone even reads this blog, although a couple people have surprised me...
Anyway, I am obsessed with documentary films. There are so many good ones out there! So, as a little holiday gift to my dear reader or two, I have compiled a list of my favorites (See links at top of page):

Crazy Love - a true life story of obsessive love gone bad, imagine that?!
www.crazylovefilm.com
Tibet: Cry of the Snow Lion - Chinese oppression of the Tibetan people
Flag Wars - White gay men move into an all black 'hood - DRAMA!
Maxed Out - American's have a debit problem, a big one
The Great Happiness Space - Japanese 'Host'(Escort)boys party and perform for rich women, a total trip
Dig! - a crazy rock n' roll odyssey about one of my favorite bands, The Brian Jonestown Massacre
Wetback: The Undocumented Documentary - the stories of immigrants from Central America crossing into the US, sad and fascinating
Devil's Playground - Amish Teens go buck wild!
Fahrenheit 911 - Michael Moore, say no more!
Who Killed the Electric Car - ironic to watch now, as we are bailing out the Big 3 auto makers...
Jesus Camp- reveals how freakish the religious right is in this country!

Call me if you are emotionally unavailable

I never used to think that I was one of those girls that had a 'type'. I thought I was pretty open-minded when it came to dating. Well, it turns out I do have a type, and a very specific one at that...
I like my men tall, dark, handsome, emotionally shut down and preferably with an alcohol problem! Bonus points for being at least 6 years younger than me, being from another country and speaking broken English. Extra bonus points for only telling me how much you like me when you call me drunk at 1am.

I'm annoyed

I am not feeling very appreciated by men lately. A Certain Person is not returning my texts. Nor is he available to come over quite as often as I would like! In my opinion he should be a little bit more into me, a little bit more enthusiastic about the situation. I am hardly asking for much here - I don't want him to be my boyfriend; just to flatter me, flirt with me and hook up with me maybe once a week or so. Its that too much to ask?! UGGGGGGGGHHHH. I have PMS and I'm pissed!
I have no idea how women manage to have relationships with men. No idea at all.

Rock the Cradle of Love

Last night at work I saw the cutest boy! I was doing my usual prowl through tables; refilling waters, chatting with clients, etc... when I spotted a very sexy, dark haired boy in red soccer jersey at one of the tables. Everytime I walked past he stared hungrily at me. I took to giving him coy, surreptitious glances across the crowded room. Finally I told my coworker; "That guy at your table in the red shirt is sooooo hot!" To which he replied, "Yeah that looks like your type..." (Whatever that means!)
He dared me to go flirt with him and ask him for his number. I was terrified. Then I thought about it more. What the hell did I have to lose?! I rushed to the bathroom to fluff my hair and reapply my lipstick. Greg (my coworker) was yelling through the door, "Violeta, Just get out here and do it ok?!"
By the time I emerged after powdering my nose and gathering my confidence, he informed me that he had already gone to the table and told them that "Someone here is interested in getting your number..."
I went over, blushing horribly, for the obligatory flirt session. There was a problem - the wrong guy was insistent at chatting me up, asking me what I was doing after work and could he get my number. I didn't know what to do; the dark haired boy couldn't look me in the eye and was intently playing with his plate of mac 'n cheese.
Later, I told Greg that the wrong guy had asked me out. To which he informed me, "Uhhhh... well, the guys at the table just told me that boy is 16!"
SIXTEEN???!!!! 16???!!!
Ok. Yes, I have been known to date younger guys. But I am not that much of a perv! He had a five o'clock shadow for crying out loud! He was the oldest looking 16 year old I have ever seen.
The rest of the night all my coworkers laughed at me.
I was a bit mortified. Especially when they told the manager what had happened.

Loca para ti (Crazy for you)

I have neglected to mention it but I have been sleeping with one of the cooks where I work. By 'sleeping with' I mean that we have sex like once or twice month. Afterwards, he immediately gets up and goes home where he lives with his brother. In between that we have a lot of drunken late night phone conversations involving me speaking bad Spanish and him saying things that he can't possibly mean like "Te Quiero" and "I love you".
I know I should stop it. But he is so cute! It makes me happy to see him at work; he looks so sexy in his white chef's coat, a gold chain glimmering underneath, in just a hint of chest hair, his smile revealing perfect teeth.
Its very innocent in a way. We hug each other behind the dumpsters - so no one will see (and because I just loooove dumpsters!), before I go home. He kisses me on the cheek. I don't think he has that much experience with women. He's 27 but he acts like he's 17.
The other day he told me "Tengo uno regalo para ti" and gave me a little leather flask that said 'Te Quiero Mucho' on it. It was hideous.
Today my friend came in to visit me at work. I pointed him out. I think he caught us staring. My friend couldn't figure out which one he was, I kept saying, "The tall one with the mustache" and she kept looking at the wrong one and going "That old guy??!!"
Later I asked her what she thought about him. "I don't know. He looks like a regular guy", was what she said. She's probably right.
Who knows why I find him so appealing?!

Another Bad Idea

I just cannot seem to stay away from doomed dating situations. I am beginning to question not only my sanity but my intelligence! I just never seem to learn my lesson...
About a month or so ago I decided to try online dating again. I got lots of emails from freaks, geeks and just plain old perverts - guys who asked me to watch them jerk off or invited me to their house for 'cuddle dates'. But I did hear from a couple potentially interesting guys. 'L' was one of them. He wrote me a long, articulate emails. I showed my mom one of his emails. We had similar tastes in movies. He appeared intelligent, insightful, respectful, handsome. My mom scoured his profile. She was immediately like "Oh no, honey. He's going to medical school, he'll never have any time. Oh wait, he's going to medical school in Mexico?! Forget it! Don't even email him back. He's leaving." Of course I emailed him back. I just couldn't resist. I am sick like that. I guess I am still holding on to my fantasy about running away to another country. That or I'm just a plain old masochist.
We met the other night at a wine bar near my house. I was attracted to him from the moment I saw him, which is unusual for meeting someone from the internet. Normally, I feel no attraction at all. I couldn't tell if he was into me or not though. As the night progressed and the wine flowed, I started to suspect he was.
L's had an interesting life, his Dad was a surgeon in Mexico and an activist. After meeting a girl he moved to the U.S. at age 25, to Santa Cruz of all places. I think we were both at UC Santa Cruz at the same time. He was great - cultured, sophisticated, smart as hell, articulate, adventuresome, stylish. We both agreed that we were very idealistic and romantic. That these qualities caused us to make unconventional (ie what would be considered 'foolish' by some) decisions in our lives. And no doubt annoyed our friends and families!
At the end of the night he walked me home and I invited him in for a moment. I read him quotes from a Kristnamurti book I am reading. Recommended the Great Gatsby (I'd had too much wine!). He had such nice hands. We made out. I had the distinct suspicion he would be a good lover - which is not something I have experienced lately. Still, I asked him to go home.
I spoke to L the next day and he wanted to see me again this week. We set up a date to see a movie tonight. This afternoon I called him to confirm. He told me he thought about it more and didn't think that we should hang out since he was going to be leaving in a month. "Maybe your mom is right" he said. I was like, "Oh, so you don't want to be distracted before you go?!" I could understand.
"Distracted?! I think it would be more than that..." He said he was trying to be practical, that he really liked me and he thought if we hung out a lot before he left that it would confuse him, make him question his decision to leave. He is right of course; the whole thing is a bad idea. I already liked him after one date, what would I feel after a month? But I hate being practical! I want to throw caution to the wind, have a whirlwind love affair! I can worry and cry later. I was so looking forward to tonight and to having someone smart and fun to date over the holidays. Already, I was anticipating our conversations about life and love, wanting to hear stories about his past, imagining things like going to the ballet with him, having coffee on a cold winter day. Things that I haven't done with a man in sooooooooo long.
Oh well. I really should start learning my lesson... DON'T DATE GUYS WHO ARE MOVING TO FOREIGN COUNTRIES!!!

Resolution

My ex boyfriend,the one that I just couldn't get over (The Persistence of Memory), showed up on my doorstep the other night. He was drunk and had just paid $90 to take a cab to my house from the South Bay. Suddenly, after all this time, he just HAD to see me. As I peered through the blinds of my front door and saw his eager face grinning at me, I froze for a moment. I felt no urge to open the door. I wanted him to wait out there. He was in shorts and flip flops, a baseball cap. Already I felt disappointed. All these months of pining for him and this was how he showed up?! When I let him in he immediately started trying to kiss me. I ducked away. I felt nothing. No desire. Just numbness. And maybe minor irritation, even.
He was roaming through my house - noticing everything that was different from last time he had been here. Wondering where his photos were. I laughed - honestly could he have expected to me to keep them up? We broke up. I never saw him again. He was telling me how hard he tried to forget me. How much he missed me. Blah blah blah... I wanted to tell him that he broke my heart; that as much as he missed me I missed him more. That it took me months to not wake up feeling like my chest was cracked wide open. But I didn't. Instead I told him he needed to brush his teeth before he kissed me because his breath smelled bad.
He wants to introduce me to his other brother, who is out here now. He still recycles, just like I taught him. I wonder why all this now. Then he tells me he has been horribly lonely. "Me too." I say.
I let him spend the night. We sleep together. Its alright. I think he's more into it than me. I feel slightly crowded in my small bed. I'd forgotten how much space he takes up.
At 5 am I call another cab for him, so he can get home in time for work. Somehow he twisted his foot in the middle of the night. I kiss him goodbye and watch him hobble out the door. My chest constricts a little. I actually feel sorry for him. He's not the same guy I fell in love with. He seems weary, sad, slightly sick. The cab pulls away into the predawn mist. My heart feels empty, dry as bone bleached too long in the sun.