How are you?

The Scream

I just got home from a wedding. Now, weddings are not my favorite thing. In fact there has not been a single wedding that I have attended in the last 6 years that has not failed to make me cry hysterically at some point in the night. Granted, over the years I have gotten better at hiding it. Tonight for example, I politely excused myself and drove home, only slightly intoxicated. The problem was that I was listening to U2 and it somehow reminded me of my ex boyfriend (who I thought I was finally over) and then, before you know it, I am sobbing out loud, alone in my car, driving across the Bay Bridge. Red tail lights bleed into an impressionist painting as I wipe streaks of mascara off my face.
It all took a turn for the worse when an older, 50+ poet started to follow me around at the reception. He just wouldn’t leave me alone. At one point he gave me a long hug and told me he loved me. Then he came back later to say “You know I just wanted to tell you that saying ‘I love you’ was just a figure of speech.” To which I replied “Don’t worry, I wasn’t spending all night thinking about it. I forgot you even said that”. At that point he then continued with veiled insults, at one point asking me how old I was. I refused to tell him. He guessed 36. I was pissed! Now, I’m not the youngest woman in the room but I’m not used to people guessing older than my age.
It just sucked. I felt insulted and hit on at the same time. I guess that’s an age old trick; make a woman feel like shit about herself then hit on her. I am tired of sleazy jerks hitting on me. I’m tired of men saying rude and inappropriate things to me and thinking they can get away with it just because I’m single.
I arrived home depressed and lonely. I plugged in my Christmas Tree (to cheer myself up) and called my ex boyfriend. I know, I know, not good. But I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking lonely, you people in relationships have NO fucking idea. He was nice enough but the nevertheless the conversation left me feeling even worse.
So when I listened to my mom’s VM saying, “Hi honey. I just called to see how you are…” it felt very ironic. What should I say?! “Hi Mom, I’m great. I am a 34 year old, single waitress. How the @#$%!&* do you think I am?! I want to gouge my eyes out! I want to die. I can’t stand this any longer. I want to run away to a foreign country and never see anyone I know again. I want to join a monastery in Tibet and never utter a single syllable. I want to disappear from the face of this earth. I want to become lighter than air, a gas that just floats away in the atmosphere. I never want to have a relationship with another human being again for the rest of my life!!!!!” So yeah, that’s how I feel. I don’t think I will tell Mom. It’s just a bad night. I’ve had many, many, many of these. I will get over it. I suppose…
The only thing I can say is writing this makes me a feel a little better.