At the edge of the world

So we had a BBQ on our rooftop. My roommate's clearly in love. I made mojitos and got moody and sad. I want to be happy for others when they are happy. Especially when they are cool people and I know they struggle in life. But I'm too scared that I will be left behind...alone forever. And eternally misunderstood...or neglected. Ugh. Please don't let it be so!

Anyway, here are some pictures:

I don't want to give up and go back home

Fireflies and thunderstorms
The damp hot air like a caress
Thick and soft, smelling of salt
It makes my hair curly, makes me crazy

I can imagine I'm in another country
Don't know anyone here
and frankly don't care

Kids play in the park
A symphony of languages
tangling their tongues
The heat presses down

Ice cream trucks and filthy streets
Midsummer rain doesn't even bother me
No one ever shuts up
and the city doesn't sleep

Stoned in the subway at Times Square
Someone plays the keyboard
And everyone is swaying, wanting to dance
An unexpected magic moment

I'm smiling at my reflection in the train window
Lost as all hell
And lonely as fuck

Still, somehow managing to have a good time
Once in a while

Here Comes the Come Down

So I’m sitting here feeling what? Vindication that I was right, that I accurately predicted the situation, that my worst fears lurking just around the corner will soon be confirmed. I’m the perfect architect of my own misery. Happy in my own familiar hell.

I set Hakim up for failure. I snooped, spied and judged. I reacted to his ambivalence with anger. My ego would not allow me to trust or be patient. I wanted to be right, I didn’t want to be made a fool of. I couldn’t relax and enjoy things. I wanted to be in control. I created a self fulfilling prophecy. And I walked away from it all the way I knew I would even from the start.

With M. Well, that was just unexpected. What cruel magic could allow me (us) to feel that way under the circumstance of her impending arrival? Or was it just simply as I said - we were both lonely, nothing more, nothing less. We filled our time with each other, indulged in dramatic conversations and feelings, submitted ourselves to sensation, threw caution to the wind and immersed ourselves in the moment. ‘Play with fire and you get burned’ keeps running through my head. How come I feel like I’m the only one to ever get burned though? Or is that another illusion of my own egocentricity? Thinking I’m always alone.

I heard someone playing guitar in the apartment above me. Hearing him sing, a sliver of hope stabbed me.
Maybe loneliness is universal.

Falling Down

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

All is full of love

When I feel really bad this song reassures me. So beautiful.