This is how I feel

My Maudlin Career
by Camera Obscura

You kissed me on the forehead
Now this kiss is giving me a concussion
We were love at first sight
Now this crush
It's crushing

I chased your steps the city through
I'm lost easily
I took to the desert but my heart just whines
and deceives me

Now we're in love again
And you're wherevers
I'm not a child I know
We're not going steady

You're pain's gigantic but it's not as big as your ego
Promise not to abandon you, please let me go

Now I've been wearing your feelings
Like they were worth protecting
They say I'm too kind and sentimental
Like you could catch affection

Oh in your eyes there's a sadness
Enough to kill the both of us
Are those eyes overrated?
They make me want to give up on love

I'll brace myself for the holiness
Say hello to feelings that I detest

This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again
This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again

This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again
This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again

Getting Lost

Living in NYC is a constant reminder of your own smallness, insubstantialness and powerlessness in relation to the great crushing forces of capitalism and the ever flowing vast surges of humanity. On a bad day I despise the inconvenience, the inconsequentialness of my own tiny existence here. But on a good day I am empowered by the richness of the city's cultural fabric. Sometimes, when I am lucky, it feels as if an invisible benevolent hand is gently guiding me through the immense colorful chaos - preventing me from wallowing in my own ignorance and ethnocentricity - reminding me just how big and varied the world is.

HORRORoscope

My horoscope for today:

There are some things in life that, no matter how hard you polish them, will never shine. You are considering the fact that a particular situation is likely to never change or improve, no matter how much effort or possibly money you invest in it. Don't see this as a reason to be regretful or despondent. It's this realization that will free you from an unhappy or undesirable scenario.

WOW. This could apply to SO MANY issues in my life that are at a complete and utter impasse. Dating, job situation, school, certain relationships I have. I appreciate the brutal honesty, guess I gotta figure out some new strategies, FOR REAL!

You Blew It...Again

This thought just occurred to me while riding the train home today...

That an individual could have had so many chances at love and somehow manage to blow them all is disgusting, sad and unfathomable!

Dum de Dumb Dumb

I finally have a new home! I'm away from the ceaseless background roar of the BQE! Horray! Away from the fake awkward conversations with my antisocial roommate. Away from my tiny cramped room. Away from my rickety metal IKEA loft bed. Away from the stroller pushing yuppie yoga moms of my former 'hood. Away from the morning smells of burnt coffee, the muted earth-tone decor, the 'Squeeze me, stomp me, make me Wine' plaque at my old house. Yay!
Of course now I am living with an eccentric playwright and some other guy who I barely met before moving in. I traded in the pristine, snobby, White affluence of Carroll Gardens for 'Do or Die' Bedstuy. And on my second night here my roommate and I managed to drink a bottle of wine and an ENTIRE bottle of vodka! When we finished the wine he said he was going to run out to the store to get some beer, then he asked if I wanted vodka. I was like 'Uhhhh...well that's not necessary. But well, I guess I won't say no.' I have a little problem turning down vodka, lord help me! He kept making me drinks in a pint glass and continually refilling it. We rambled on for 4 hours about organic farming, dating, sex, activism, politics, San Francisco, blah blah blah and before you knew it we were both wasted and the bottle was empty. I can't tell if its a promising start to things or not...