Rule to live by

"Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces"
from Sermon on the Mount

Adopt ME!~

I've decided to get a cat. Because I need something to love. And I'm tired of talking to myself. And I like warm, furry creatures.
After hours of perusing cat 'personal ads' on Petfinder.com, I'm tempted write one for myself. Maybe I'll start a Girlfriendfinder.com or Loverfinder.com for all of us stray humans who need to be adopted and loved too!
Here's my ad:

This adorable, affectionate redhead is looking for her forever love.

Violeta was found living a hand-to-mouth existence in a rough neighborhood in Brooklyn, spending too much time in bars and on OKCupid - dating one NYC dickwad after another. Though she has mild PTSD from years of dealing with non committal guys (who used her for her body and superior skills in the boudoir), once you gain her trust she'll be a loyal and loving companion.
If you decide to share your home with her she'll greet you with a warm smile, inane chatter and endless BJs (dream on)to show you her appreciation.

Though Violeta is friendly and plays well with others she prefers to be the only lady of the house - no polyamorous looney toons, nor cheating bastards need apply.

She's negative for all STD's, is tattooed and has had her rabies shots. Don't even think of microchipping her!

Please be gainfully employed, provide at least 3 references and an adoption fee of 30,000 cash. A mandatory home visit will be scheduled beforehand.

Not So Innocent

There comes a time when I must acknowledge my own role in the utter chaos that is my life. I don't always behave in upstanding ways. And since I've moved to New York, I think I've started to become a bit of a player myself. While it seems close to impossible to meet someone I'm truly compatible with - there has been an endless supply of young, attractive men to have fun with. Its become dangerously addictive. Though I was painfully shy and inexperienced with men in high school and my first year or two of college - boy have I made up for it ever since!

I meet guys everywhere now. There's a new one nearly every single week. Usually it goes nowhere - we go out a couple times and I lose interest. Or if I do like them, they start acting like jerks once I reciprocate their interest. On any given day I have several different guys texting me. Most of these men I never sleep with, many of them I never so much as even kiss. Sometimes I can't tell if its them I'm interested in or just their attention. I know this makes me sound like a jerk. Maybe I am - but everyone wants to feel attractive and desirable. And at the end of the day if you don't feel loved; you might be tempted to settle for something at bit more superficial.

Last night I was out with friends dancing and drinking at a bar. I don't even remember how things got started but the next thing I know I'm talking to this guy and he's saying things like "I'm your number one fan!!!" and "I'm really into you." I'm like WTF, you don't even KNOW me! He kept following me around all night. Then I wake up today to text messages from 2 different guys - one from a guy I used to date saying "Good morning beautiful, my angel" and another one from my current 'lover' saying "I want to kiss every inch of your body".

I've become cynical. None of it represents the type of love and connection I'm looking for. But these trifling flirtations, though ultimately unsatisfying, are as deliciously intoxicating as junk food. When I look at things from this perspective, it makes it hard to feel sorry for myself. This merry-go-round makes me dizzy (a sensation I've always loved), and on a good day its ridiculously fun, BUT ultimately I want to get off. The problem is I just don't know how.

Lady Lazarus

"Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air...."

A Terrible Shiny Thing

The dowdy little houses with sandpaper flapping at their shabby seams hardly elicit a flick of emotion in me. I who was once of the country, who knew the shabbiness of rural poverty, the claustrophobia of the dark gathering woods, the small squalid towns with their provincial ways frowning upon any divergence from the most unremarkable mediocrity. The eyes of the locals regarding any newcomer with a dull and unimpassioned hostility. I feel my own transition from this world of fields and streams, of ponds full of silvery fish, ragged marshes and the rustle of leaves in the wind - to an anxious urbanite - a biting, jagged edge barely concealed beneath a bright surface. Impatient, overly hungry with a trace of bitterness revealed in the tight gathers at the corners of my lips. The swell of people in the cities - of every imaginable color, shape, scent and class - each inscrutable face sealing a chamber of alluring secrets. Wild creatures in their natural habitat of concrete and steel, flashing across the edifices of buildings like shining birds fluttering through the trees. The soft dark eyes and damp skin of exotic men beckons on swarming streets and crowded subway cars. Evenings like these - the heavy limpid air, vaguely unclean, presses upon bare shoulders and fawns over my body like a warm, overly close breath. It is here that I make my home now, here that my soul feels itself liberated, that the infinite possibilities of a strange and exciting future unravel in my head. But its here too that my solitary, scant existence among this vociferous bounty weighs upon me, a close companion though out hot, humid summer nights when I toss on my cheap sheets cursing the futility of my existence. There can be no refuge in this world that is not merely a sweet tang of temporary relief amid the trudging onward of our lives.

Figuring it out

This blog is by nature about my relationships - as pathetic, fleeting, heartbreaking, glorious, fun, irresponsible, well-intentioned, sad, sexy, or otherwise, they have been. And sometimes its been a combination of the above! It ain't called LOVE & Mental Illness for nothin'!

I'm not going to write about my career (or lack thereof!), my friends and family (only vaguely and on rare occasions because I want to be respectful), politics, art, my hobbies, or other personal issues. But it IS about dating and sex and love and all those things in between.

Life is not always pretty or practical and I make lots of bad choices, but writing this is like keeping a journal; its cathartic. Writing down my thoughts helps me to clarify them. Why do I do it in a public forum? I'm not sure. Maybe to feel that I'm not alone in all this, maybe because I hope someone else can relate, maybe because I'm delusional and I think for some strange reason a couple people might get a vicarious thrill or derive some amusement from these stories and anecdotes.

Its also about my relationship with New York City, my relationship with myself and my patterns of behavior. I'd like to say that I'm learning a lot and growing wiser and more mature but that's not always true - sometimes I totally fuck up and engage in completely ridiculous behavior. But someday in the distant future I hope I can read over all this and it will make some kind of sense. Until then, the madness ebbs and flows...

I still love you Anton

I can not tell you enough
How much I wanted to love
How long I've waited to love and be loved
And be with you

At the edge of the world

So we had a BBQ on our rooftop. My roommate's clearly in love. I made mojitos and got moody and sad. I want to be happy for others when they are happy. Especially when they are cool people and I know they struggle in life. But I'm too scared that I will be left behind...alone forever. And eternally misunderstood...or neglected. Ugh. Please don't let it be so!

Anyway, here are some pictures:

I don't want to give up and go back home

Fireflies and thunderstorms
The damp hot air like a caress
Thick and soft, smelling of salt
It makes my hair curly, makes me crazy

I can imagine I'm in another country
Don't know anyone here
and frankly don't care

Kids play in the park
A symphony of languages
tangling their tongues
The heat presses down

Ice cream trucks and filthy streets
Midsummer rain doesn't even bother me
No one ever shuts up
and the city doesn't sleep

Stoned in the subway at Times Square
Someone plays the keyboard
And everyone is swaying, wanting to dance
An unexpected magic moment

I'm smiling at my reflection in the train window
Lost as all hell
And lonely as fuck

Still, somehow managing to have a good time
Once in a while

Here Comes the Come Down

So I’m sitting here feeling what? Vindication that I was right, that I accurately predicted the situation, that my worst fears lurking just around the corner will soon be confirmed. I’m the perfect architect of my own misery. Happy in my own familiar hell.

I set Hakim up for failure. I snooped, spied and judged. I reacted to his ambivalence with anger. My ego would not allow me to trust or be patient. I wanted to be right, I didn’t want to be made a fool of. I couldn’t relax and enjoy things. I wanted to be in control. I created a self fulfilling prophecy. And I walked away from it all the way I knew I would even from the start.

With M. Well, that was just unexpected. What cruel magic could allow me (us) to feel that way under the circumstance of her impending arrival? Or was it just simply as I said - we were both lonely, nothing more, nothing less. We filled our time with each other, indulged in dramatic conversations and feelings, submitted ourselves to sensation, threw caution to the wind and immersed ourselves in the moment. ‘Play with fire and you get burned’ keeps running through my head. How come I feel like I’m the only one to ever get burned though? Or is that another illusion of my own egocentricity? Thinking I’m always alone.

I heard someone playing guitar in the apartment above me. Hearing him sing, a sliver of hope stabbed me.
Maybe loneliness is universal.

All is full of love

When I feel really bad this song reassures me. So beautiful.

Should have known better...

As I predicted, I AM making a big mess of things after all. Hakim has pretty much been MIA all week, canceling plans, saying he's gonna call and then disappearing or calling at 1am. I hadn't seen him in over a week until today when I finally lost patience and went by his vintage clothing store to give him a piece of my mind. I also happened to mention that I had feelings for someone else. Immature, I know but I am so frustrated, nothing seems to evoke a response out of him. He actually got a little rattled. He's a complete nut; I am basically on the verge of breaking up with him and he's asking me if I'd like to go to Algeria with him for a little vacation. PSYCHO! Anyway, I just DO NOT TRUST this guy. He's shady as hell and I'm over it.

Meanwhile, I've been spending hours lying around on the couch with my roommate having crazy conversations about Love (his favorite topic), people, art, meditation, Psychology, etc. He gets all passionate when he's talking, sometimes he grabs my hand and holds it or hugs me. I was starting to feel like maybe he was into me but I didn't want to misread the situation. Well, the other night pretty much answered that question. By the end of it he had his arms around me and was stroking my hair and my face. It felt really nice but I had to end things there. First of all, he's my roommate and we are just getting to know each other, and really - most importantly - he has this Serbian girl who he's been talking to online for 7 months coming here NEXT WEEK. He's never met her in person but if they've been talking everyday for months its safe to say that they will probably hit it off in person. Sigh... Not that I want to begrudge him happiness. He's a total weirdo too (clearly I love freaks!)but he's also a romantic, an idealist and a sweetie. So, I'm steeling myself for her arrival next week, his subsequent lack of interest in me and worse yet, late night giggling sessions as his Serbian princess slips in and out of his room between lovemaking sessions. UGH. The only positive thing I can say is thank god my room is completely on the other side of the apartment from his, which will hopefully minimize some of the impending trauma.

Good lord, my luck in love is HIDEOUS! It just feels like a cruel cosmic joke is being played on me. I must be the world's biggest idiot when it comes to men.