Rule to live by

"Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces"
from Sermon on the Mount

Lessons not yet learned

Ill-begotten pleasures inevitably lead to bitter endings.

Islands in the Stream

Oh how self-indulgent I’ve been, picking at the shabby threads of my life. Unraveling everything I’ve tried to build. Godless, arrogant, angry - I’ve been intent on destroying myself. I cannot live for myself but I refuse to live for another. The world appears random, chaotic and cruel. How others suffer. And all my little luxuries and beauty seem insignificant and pointless. Small futile gestures thrown into a dark encircling gulf. The crushing mechanisms of power and blind certainty inevitably breaking relentlessly over the defenseless of the world. Defenseless through no fault of their own but merely because of the accident of their birth, the bodies and skin they inhabit. I feel powerless to stop the injustice of it, mired in my own myopic desperation and uncertainty. If only I could open my heart to love, to not be afraid, to trust. If there is any meaning it must be in kindness, it must be in abandoning the stale orbit of ourselves - glowing like isolated little suns in a black universe, ignorant of everyone else and the space we share.

Today was a good day

I didn't even have to use my AK...

I haven't been in the greatest mood lately. Truth be told, I've been just a touch angry.
OK...OK...I've been in a bitter, scathing rage. The kind of rage that let's me walk down the street not caring if I live for die; the kind of rage that makes me fantasize about tying certain men's balls in knots, the kind of rage that makes me want to kick random people and yell at babies, the kind of rage that makes me explode to my therapist that there's 'just too many fucking people in this city!!!'
It gives me a sliver of empathy for people who freak out and commit violent acts. I'm not condoning violence, nor am I going to lose my $hit, but I can kinda see where they're coming from.

I won't go into WHY I'm angry, that's too deep and personal to really take the time to articulate here but suffice to say that I haven't been feeling the greatest about things.

Anyway, what I finally realized today is that I have to stop playing these foolish games with men. The men I've met in NYC are trifling, at best. To spent time with them is to waste my time. No one has shown a sincere interest in me in ages. So in the spirit of not beating a dead horse, I need to let it (the search for love and companionship), let THEM go... Truth be told, I'm not gonna miss anyone that much!

I need to come to terms with the fact (and here's where it gets kinda deep, and scary too) that I'm scared I can't take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I really, really want to try but I'm terrified of the responsibility of having a family - or even a pet - and all those other things that most people just seem to be able to do without overanalyzing them to death. It might sound dumb, or heartless or self indulgent. But I'm scared of making mistakes and hurting people.

I guess the reality is we all hurt people and other living creatures, even if we try not to. The best we can do is bring a little awareness to the table and try to minimize the damage we do. I just gotta take the plunge. And maybe sometimes its OK for me to be angry. It might even be OK for me to be a bitch, on occasion. Hey, that sounds fun!

After therapy I ate an ice cream and sat in Central Park. I watched a squirrel drink from a puddle and little birds bathe in it. I watched the pedicabs roll by full of tourists gesticulating to the building tops of Columbus Circle, barely visible over the trees. I looked at the sad horses towing ramshackle old carts, their heads topped with tattered feathers in a fake attempt at jauntiness. I watched the cart drivers cluck to their horses and the pedicab drivers' rhythmically pumping calves. I think most of them were from other countries. I tried to imagine their dreams when they came here to New York, their struggles and goals, the families they left behind.

After a while everything didn't seem so bad.