Rule to live by

"Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces"
from Sermon on the Mount

Spring Cleaning

Well, today has been productive - I've gotten rid of 3 guys in one day!
After an atrociously boring and awkward dinner date last night with the Indian guy who needs a green card during which I repeatedly attempted to make conversation, only to have him sit their limply, I had to cut him off once and for all.  I was considering taking him home (he's alright in bed) but he was just so...bleh, I couldn't bare to do it.  I've tried to have compassion for him and help him find a job or a girl to marry but I just can't endure it anymore, he brags about how stubborn he is and how he won't ask his cousin (who is high up at Google) for a job because he doesn't like him, he blatantly says he has 'no interest' in music and states he only cares about sports.  DULL, duller and more dull!  Then today he starts texting me about how he wishes he could have come over last night.  Forget it dude, you barely upheld your end of the conversation, were completely listless, answered your phone during dinner, didn't compliment me... All this after texting me all day how he missed me and wanted to see me and then he shows up and acts like a complete jerk.  Forget it.  So I told him - 'sorry we have nothing in common, let's just move on'.

Next up was a guy who, after two quite chaste dates, asked me via text message how many men I'd slept with. He also went on to judge one of my friends who he'd met briefly in passing, later texting me about how he can't stand it when voluptuous women 'pander to their skinny self absorbed friends'.  WTF?!  Seriously???!  I'd already told him I didn't appreciate his judgments and assumptions and I had ignored his texts over the last few days hoping he'd get the message.  Well, today I got a message suggesting I come over and watch Chris Rock videos with him during the thunderstorms.  To which I replied 'Sorry, who is this?' (I'd deleted his number).  With customary arrogance, he sent a text saying 'Its me'.  Now if I had a nickle for every time I get a text or call from a guy referring to himself as 'me' I'd be rich!  If only they knew how many 'me's were out there!  Ha ha... So, I politely told him I didn't enjoy his assumptions and judgments about my friends or my sexuality and didn't want to hear from him ever again.  DONE.

Finally, I had to clarify things with a cute guy who owns a business in the neighborhood who I'd been out with once. He seemed sweet but I was beginning to suspect he was a player only out for one thing.  Sure enough when he said he missed me and my 'beautiful smile' and I suggested that he make time to hang out again - I got back a message stating that he just simply 'couldn't get excited about a woman unless he had a sexual relationship with her' because 'sex was 80% of a relationship.' Huh.  Now clearly I'm no prude and I happen to enjoy sex QUITE a bit but if someone can't even give me a couple dates before expecting to hook up, that's just pathetic.  NEXT...
I've got a date lined up for Thursday and another for next Tuesday.  I hope these guys are smarter and more civilized but we'll see.

Booty Call

So a couple of months ago I went on a date or two with a sexy, educated, funny and nice-enough guy. One thing let to another, if you know what I mean... and we hooked up. I must say he was quite well-endowed. Anyway, I didn't hear from him after that. I wasn't devastated, nor was I surprised. What did surprise me (and wake me up)several days ago, was my cell vibrating at 3:30am with a call from him.
Now I don't like to be awakened EVER, but especially not by a booty call from a guy I haven't seen or heard from in months. Though I didn't answer the phone, I lay awake in bed for several hours afterward contemplating my life and generally feeling like crap. So the next morning I decided to get in touch with him.

I started out innocently enough.
Me: Little tipsy last night, eh?

The Guy ('T'): Yeah. Fondly
T: Thought did "count" though.

Me: 'Thought' counted?! A random drunk phone call at 3:30am?! Come on, we both can do better than that!

T: I sure can. It's not out of disrespect. But in return, if you find I can fill any carnal impulse, you are free to share that anytime.

Me: I have no problem with 'carnal' impulses however, I prefer to fulfill them after a drink and a 'civilized' conversation at a reasonable hour.

Me: Next time a 'carnal' urge strikes you at 3:30 in the morning - though certainly less economical, and more morally questionable - I suggest you hire a prostitute.

T: I'm sorry for the bother last night but is that last statement some kind of joke?

Me: I'm not serious but just trying to make a point about how that made me feel.

T: I'm sorry, but my options in NY aren't just you...and prostitutes. That was absurd. Point taken though.

Me: Well clearly! I assume you went down 'the list' last night. Glad you got the point.

Heh, heh...maybe he'll think twice before he drunk dials a girl at 3am. Or not. But at least I know I won't be getting woken up by him again.

The Banker and The Torta

It was a Monday night in the West Village in NYC. I was out with some coworkers at the infamous Stonewall Inn. The place is all painted a shiny lacquer black inside with red neon lights. One of my sleazier coworkers was buying me vodka sodas and moving in closer and closer. After he confessed, “You know I’ve always been attracted to you” and grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch, I knew I had to go.

I lurched drunkenly through the historic hole and out onto the street. There I found a lovely and inviting sight – a Taco Truck! I was standing on the sidewalk savoring the deliciousness of my chicken torta when a dapper young black man walked over and started talking to me. He invited me out for coffee or drinks at a nearby out door café. I declined. And yet somehow (here’s where my memory is a bit hazy) I end up in a cab with him speeding up to midtown Manhattan. All the while he’s flattering me and carrying on in a proper British accent (he was raised in London, although his parents are African). He told me he was a banker. To which I started babbling drunkenly about Wall Street’s role in the subprime mortgage crash, the failing economy, etc, etc… Meanwhile he’s going on about how he just bought a condo with an amazing view, its so nice, blah blah blah... Next thing I know we are in his teeny, immaculately modern and sterile condo with gleaming windows looking out on the downtown lights. The banker is gesturing to a painting on the wall and asking if I like it. Then I start crying and telling him how I was about to go home and now he has taken me further away from Brooklyn and I can’t afford a cab. I tell him that I think he should pay for my cab ride home. He tells me he has no cash.
“What?! You have no cash?!! But you’re a banker!!!” I shout, incredulous.
When he realizes I am totally pissed we go back down to the street and to the nearest ATM where he gets out cash to give to me for the ride home. He is hugging me and trying to kiss me, saying “When can I see you again?” Asking for my number. I was like, “I am drunk and you are trying to hit on me. Can’t you see that I just want to go home?! You shouldn’t hit on drunk girls anyway.”
I catch the nearest cab and head home. All I want is to be alone with the rest of my chicken torta.

One Night in NY

Is New York is the most beautiful city in the world? It is not far from it. No urban night is like the night there... Squares after squares of flame, set up and cut into the aether. Here is our poetry, for we have pulled down the stars to our will.
-Ezra Pound

Its not all agony and loneliness here. Sometimes I actually have fun!

Last night was a good night. I started out meeting a guy for happy hour at a bar in the East Village. As soon I walked in two drunk Irish guys started chatting with me. One was like ‘You look like an old-fashioned model from the 50’s, you’re so pretty.’ That made me smile.

I was meeting C at the bar for the first time. We’d been chatting online for a couple weeks but hadn’t met in person. We were cloistered in a dark corner talking. In our corner we met a crazy Taiwanese girl who grew up in the South, with a weird mixed Taiwanese/Southern accent, who worked in fashion. She was drunk and hilarious and was practically sitting on my lap, telling me all about breaking up with her ex boyfriend, how bored she was in NY, asking what should she do with her life?! Then a bunch of Thai guys who grew up in NYC met her and started smoking pot in front of the bar. They were the friendliest guys ever. Everyone agreed that people are nicer in NY than San Francisco. One of the guys said, ‘In New York you can go out to a bar and meet anybody. Anyone will talk to you.’ It was true; the Irish guys kept coming by and high fiving the guy I was on a date with because he had a vintage Liverpool soccer jersey on (he lived in England for a year). One guy was trying to buy it off his back. C was opening up to me about old girlfriends, living in Spain, traveling, growing up in NYC, his Brazilian mom. He seemed like a sweet guy and he was a good kisser. Later he walked me back to the subway. I fell down laughing into a snow bank. People were out everywhere in the snow, it was Friday night and everyone seemed to be smiling, guarding a secret inner joy. C said, ‘This is the best first date ever!’.

Even though I left C, I wasn’t ready to go home yet. The other night I’d met a very handsome chef, Lou, at a non profit fundraising event I was working at. He’s from the Bronx with a sexy New York accent and a hilarious sense of humor. I was immediately into him. I was dying for him to call. He had called me earlier in the night saying he wanted to hang out when he got off work if I was still out.

At 11:30 Lou called again saying he was off work and he could come meet me. I was eating pizza by myself in Union Square after leaving C. I gave him a huge hug when he showed up. I don’t know what it was about this guy but I was really into him! We ended up in some dive bar full of drunk NYU students dancing to 80’s music. I kept sucking down vodka sodas. Not such a good idea but I was so excited to be out and hanging out with this guy. There was just one BIG problem though. Turns out he has a girlfriend. I asked him point blank after he told me he had a big two bedroom uptown. A sane person would have probably gone home at that point. Unfortunately, I’m not sane.

Lou said he liked me immediately when he met me and since I told him I was new in town he thought we could hang out as friends. I was like ‘Yeah, that’s a nice idea but I kind of LIKE you.’ Then he said, ‘I’m not gonna lie, I think you are very beautiful.’ Great. In theory it would be nice to have him as a friend but I don’t quite understand how that will work if we are both attracted to each other. Shit! I started telling him how I was a good woman and how I deserved to meet a nice single guy who was really into me, blah, blah blah, I was really drunk at that point. I should have just shut up and gone home. He told me he fought in the Serbian war (he was born in Albania) and I asked him, ‘So did you kill anybody?’ He was like, ‘Violeta you aren’t supposed to ask questions like that. What do you think?’ Somehow that made him even hotter. God, he was really, really sexy.

Anyway, he ended up driving me home. We got lost in Queens in a snarl of dead end roads full of snow and abandoned factories. I was smoking with the window down, babbling about the history of exploitation of workers in New York City and demanding that he treat his kitchen staff nicely. What a mess. But the Queensborough Bridge was all lit up in a brilliant blue haze and Manhattan was gleaming across the river and the cold air felt good on my face. I was finally feeling like I had arrived here in New York City. Even if my life was just one big giant, confusing, lonely morass - at least I was somewhere different.

I gave L a hug, his body felt really good; big, strong and comforting. I miss being in man’s arms so bad. But he’s not mine so I sent him home.