Not So Innocent

There comes a time when I must acknowledge my own role in the utter chaos that is my life. I don't always behave in upstanding ways. And since I've moved to New York, I think I've started to become a bit of a player myself. While it seems close to impossible to meet someone I'm truly compatible with - there has been an endless supply of young, attractive men to have fun with. Its become dangerously addictive. Though I was painfully shy and inexperienced with men in high school and my first year or two of college - boy have I made up for it ever since!

I meet guys everywhere now. There's a new one nearly every single week. Usually it goes nowhere - we go out a couple times and I lose interest. Or if I do like them, they start acting like jerks once I reciprocate their interest. On any given day I have several different guys texting me. Most of these men I never sleep with, many of them I never so much as even kiss. Sometimes I can't tell if its them I'm interested in or just their attention. I know this makes me sound like a jerk. Maybe I am - but everyone wants to feel attractive and desirable. And at the end of the day if you don't feel loved; you might be tempted to settle for something at bit more superficial.

Last night I was out with friends dancing and drinking at a bar. I don't even remember how things got started but the next thing I know I'm talking to this guy and he's saying things like "I'm your number one fan!!!" and "I'm really into you." I'm like WTF, you don't even KNOW me! He kept following me around all night. Then I wake up today to text messages from 2 different guys - one from a guy I used to date saying "Good morning beautiful, my angel" and another one from my current 'lover' saying "I want to kiss every inch of your body".

I've become cynical. None of it represents the type of love and connection I'm looking for. But these trifling flirtations, though ultimately unsatisfying, are as deliciously intoxicating as junk food. When I look at things from this perspective, it makes it hard to feel sorry for myself. This merry-go-round makes me dizzy (a sensation I've always loved), and on a good day its ridiculously fun, BUT ultimately I want to get off. The problem is I just don't know how.

Spring Cleaning

Well, today has been productive - I've gotten rid of 3 guys in one day!
After an atrociously boring and awkward dinner date last night with the Indian guy who needs a green card during which I repeatedly attempted to make conversation, only to have him sit their limply, I had to cut him off once and for all.  I was considering taking him home (he's alright in bed) but he was just so...bleh, I couldn't bare to do it.  I've tried to have compassion for him and help him find a job or a girl to marry but I just can't endure it anymore, he brags about how stubborn he is and how he won't ask his cousin (who is high up at Google) for a job because he doesn't like him, he blatantly says he has 'no interest' in music and states he only cares about sports.  DULL, duller and more dull!  Then today he starts texting me about how he wishes he could have come over last night.  Forget it dude, you barely upheld your end of the conversation, were completely listless, answered your phone during dinner, didn't compliment me... All this after texting me all day how he missed me and wanted to see me and then he shows up and acts like a complete jerk.  Forget it.  So I told him - 'sorry we have nothing in common, let's just move on'.

Next up was a guy who, after two quite chaste dates, asked me via text message how many men I'd slept with. He also went on to judge one of my friends who he'd met briefly in passing, later texting me about how he can't stand it when voluptuous women 'pander to their skinny self absorbed friends'.  WTF?!  Seriously???!  I'd already told him I didn't appreciate his judgments and assumptions and I had ignored his texts over the last few days hoping he'd get the message.  Well, today I got a message suggesting I come over and watch Chris Rock videos with him during the thunderstorms.  To which I replied 'Sorry, who is this?' (I'd deleted his number).  With customary arrogance, he sent a text saying 'Its me'.  Now if I had a nickle for every time I get a text or call from a guy referring to himself as 'me' I'd be rich!  If only they knew how many 'me's were out there!  Ha ha... So, I politely told him I didn't enjoy his assumptions and judgments about my friends or my sexuality and didn't want to hear from him ever again.  DONE.

Finally, I had to clarify things with a cute guy who owns a business in the neighborhood who I'd been out with once. He seemed sweet but I was beginning to suspect he was a player only out for one thing.  Sure enough when he said he missed me and my 'beautiful smile' and I suggested that he make time to hang out again - I got back a message stating that he just simply 'couldn't get excited about a woman unless he had a sexual relationship with her' because 'sex was 80% of a relationship.' Huh.  Now clearly I'm no prude and I happen to enjoy sex QUITE a bit but if someone can't even give me a couple dates before expecting to hook up, that's just pathetic.  NEXT...
I've got a date lined up for Thursday and another for next Tuesday.  I hope these guys are smarter and more civilized but we'll see.