Meditation Bootcamp

Last spring, utterly heartbroken and forlorn I decided to go on a 10 day silent meditation retreat. When I got back I tried to write about it. I got as far as the title ‘Meditation Boot Camp’ and could write nothing else. Those few words are pretty apropos though... Wake up at 4am, meditate, eat breakfast, meditate, take a short break, mediate some more, eat lunch meditate, take a short break, meditate, eat fruit and tea (nothing else allowed for dinner!), mediate, go to bed. Wake up and do the same thing. All in silence.

Needless to say, you get to know the core of your mind pretty well by the end of all it. The first couple days you are filled with doubt and fear, irritation and intense paranoia. You suspect you’ve been taken in by a cult. But you can’t talk to anyone about your suspicions. Then you start to get angry. Angry at the serenity and unflappability of the staff who work there (who could either be evil manipulative cult members or brainwashed drones), angry at those around you who annoy you with their very presence and who you can’t even talk to so you can find out that they really aren't that bad. Most of all you are angry at yourself for being insane enough to sign up for this. After about the 5th or 6th day a strange thing happens, all these emotions and thoughts start to burn off, like so many toxic exhaust fumes radiating out from your body and dissipating into the atmosphere. You start to feel calmer, lighter. By the 9th day you feel cleansed.

My mind was like a closet that I kicked open the door to; suspecting it was full of skeletons. Expecting the worst, I was instead confronted with profoundly tidy emptiness. No monsters, no murderers, no ghosts.

You can talk again on the afternoon of the 9th day. When we left our last period of silent meditation and stepped outside the meditation hall it was snowing. Big soft white flakes were covering the surrounding meadow and trees. It was so beautiful. I felt like it was a special miracle just for us. I wanted to cry with gratitude.

I ran across the meadow and found the girl who had been meditating the on the cushion next to me, my silent companion and neighbor all these wild and rocky 9 days. “Oh my god!!!” We were giddy. “What a trip!” “What was it like for you?!” We were stumbling over our words trying to describe our experience, giggling and laughing hysterically. We couldn’t stop talking. It turns out she had dated the lead singer of one of my favorite bands. Crazy, crazy world.