Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here

Its an awful feeling to know that the thing that you desire the most is something that you have utterly failed at. Time and time and time again. Unabashed, utter failure. And it was not for lack of effort either. In fact, a sustained and unbearable amount of energy has been dedicated to the pursuit of this objective which has eluded me completely. Not only eluded me, but blatantly mocked me and disrespected me at every chance.
So I give up. I give up on my hopes and dreams of love and romance. Sure, I still have the strong urge to punch cuddling couples in the face. I still feel the keen knife of envy as a breathless stab to my stomach when I witness two people in love. But I have to let go of my aspirations for being one of them. I have to let the dream die. Because its too painful to keep trying and failing.
It hasn't all been bleak. There have been many fun and carefree moments. On a drunken night earlier this month I found myself underneath the Brooklyn Queens Expressway overlooking the fetid Gowanus Canal. I was pointing out an enormous mound of scrap metal over which cranes with giant claws labor day and night gathering fistfuls of junk and hurling them into a container barge waiting on the brown water. I don't know what it is about this grim wasteland of twisted metal that fascinates me but I have spent hours watching the cranes pick at the never-diminishing wreckage. The guy I was with was a 'famous composer' (as my friend had said after introducing us) and music promoter who was finishing up his PhD at Princeton. Somewhere in the middle of my rhapsodizing about the big junk heap he grabbed me and started kissing me. It was snowing. And for a moment everything seemed perfect.
Needless to say things went downhill not much later. Our mutual friend called me asking where we'd gone. We ended up at a bar, all quite intoxicated. We were there about an hour. I went to use the bathroom and upon returning I noticed he and my friend were gone. Disappeared into thin air. Or rather into the cold night without me.
So nothing can get my hopes up these days - not swimming in the East River during the middle of a hurricane with my demented Serbian crush, not making out by the Mediterranean with a sexy Italian painter, nor drinking champagne with a slick guy from Dubai, not even kissing a cute young Princeton Professor by a scrap metal yard.
Its all for naught. I am alone and that's it. Might as well accept that this situation may not change.
***it should be noted that as I'm writing this I'm lying in bed listening to Bruce Springsteen (to block the sound of my roommate snoring from the room next door) and eating prunes. I have one missed call...from my mom! ha ha... Yep, gonna be alone forever!