Existential Blehhhhh

Most people are protected from the horrors of existential angst by the daily routines and relationships that govern their lives. But when one is free of the grounding and purpose-providing entanglements of work, family and intimacy, their life appears arbitrary and unfathomable. The true nature of the world appears in all its random and callousness, so vast and insatiable as to rattle your teeth in the morning. And when you look in the mirror at the face that you know as your own, it appears strange and disjointed, an inscrutible sadness flickering behind eyes that observe themself blankly and without understanding.

Until the 20th century ennui was an ailment reserved for the priviledged classes whose education and idleness gave them ample time to ponder the pointlessness of existence. Now thanks to technology it is the providence of even the lower middle class.

Getting up, listening to Elliot Smith's Needle in the Hay, contemplating death, fantasizing about having sex with my classmate, selecting the right outfit and then going to church.
What does it all mean anyway????!!!

Too Many

from Circe/Mud Poems

by Margaret Atwood

It was not my fault, these animals
who once were lovers

it was not my fault, the snouts
and hooves, the tongues
thickening and rough, the mouths grown over
with teeth and fur

I did not add the shaggy
rugs, the tusked masks,
they happened

I did not say anything, I sat
and watched, they happened
because I did not say anything.

It was not my fault, these animals
who could no longer touch me
through the rinds of their hardening skins,
these animals dying
of thirst because they could not speak

these drying skeletons
that have crashed and litter the ground
under the cliffs, these
wrecked words.

I made no choice
I decided nothing

One day you simply appeared in your stupid boat,
your killer's hands, your disjointed body, jagged as a
shipwreck,
skinny-ribbed, blue-eyed, scorched, thirsty, the usual,
pretending to be -what? a survivor?

Those who say they want nothing
want everything.
It was not this greed
that offended me, it was the lies.

Nevertheless I gave you
the food you demanded for the journey
you said you planned; but you planned no journey
and we both knew it.

You've forgotten that,
you made the right decision.
The trees bend in the wind, you eat, you rest,
you think of nothing,
your mind, you say,

is like your hands, vacant:

vacant is not innocent.

**************

There must be more for you to do
than permit yourself to be shoved
by the wind from coast
to coast to coast, boot on the boat prow
to hold the wooden body
under, soul in control

Ask at my temples
where the moon snakes, tongues of the dark
speak like bones unlocking, leaves falling
of a future you won't believe in

Ask who keeps the wind
Ask what is sacred

Don't you get tired of killing
those whose deaths have been predicted
and are therefore dead already?

Don't you get tired of wanting
to live forever?

Don't you get tried of saying Onward?"

Players' Club

If only I could get him out of my head. And what an ugly mess this has all become. I suppose it was inevitable considering neither one of us is exactly mild mannered, conventional or even sane, for that matter… When I told him I loved him I didn’t expect to be accused of being manipulative. And how I shriveled inside when he said definitively “I’m not going to fall in love with you before I leave.” I know it was crazy to let myself feel this way when he’s going back to Serbia for good. Maybe I was indulging my own emotions, letting them run free because I knew he was leaving anyway and it could never go anywhere. Was I being selfish and irresponsible? But after months of these games, I’m exhausted – him telling me he loved me countless times - was it for real? I saw him lose himself with me; I saw those naked looks in his eyes, felt his tenderness and his desire.
I was furious, how dare he toy with me, swatting away my feelings as if they meant nothing! The truth is few men catch at my heart, few men captivate me, excite me. Its been years since a man has evoked these feelings in me. Then I saw that book The Game, some hideous players' handbook lying on his bed. Was he playing some cruel trick on me? Manipulating me for his own ego gratification? He lay in bed, staring at me with those intense eyes, the blue-grey eyes I cannot get out of my head. I wordlessly picked the book up, meeting his gaze with mine - raw, angry, hurt - and tore the cover to pieces. Then I took my things and left. I doubt I’ll ever see him again. But I have to reclaim my heart.

This is how I feel

My Maudlin Career
by Camera Obscura

You kissed me on the forehead
Now this kiss is giving me a concussion
We were love at first sight
Now this crush
It's crushing

I chased your steps the city through
I'm lost easily
I took to the desert but my heart just whines
and deceives me

Now we're in love again
And you're wherevers
I'm not a child I know
We're not going steady

You're pain's gigantic but it's not as big as your ego
Promise not to abandon you, please let me go

Now I've been wearing your feelings
Like they were worth protecting
They say I'm too kind and sentimental
Like you could catch affection

Oh in your eyes there's a sadness
Enough to kill the both of us
Are those eyes overrated?
They make me want to give up on love

I'll brace myself for the holiness
Say hello to feelings that I detest

This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again
This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again

This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again
This maudlin career has come to an end
I don't want to be sad again

Getting Lost

Living in NYC is a constant reminder of your own smallness, insubstantialness and powerlessness in relation to the great crushing forces of capitalism and the ever flowing vast surges of humanity. On a bad day I despise the inconvenience, the inconsequentialness of my own tiny existence here. But on a good day I am empowered by the richness of the city's cultural fabric. Sometimes, when I am lucky, it feels as if an invisible benevolent hand is gently guiding me through the immense colorful chaos - preventing me from wallowing in my own ignorance and ethnocentricity - reminding me just how big and varied the world is.

HORRORoscope

My horoscope for today:

There are some things in life that, no matter how hard you polish them, will never shine. You are considering the fact that a particular situation is likely to never change or improve, no matter how much effort or possibly money you invest in it. Don't see this as a reason to be regretful or despondent. It's this realization that will free you from an unhappy or undesirable scenario.

WOW. This could apply to SO MANY issues in my life that are at a complete and utter impasse. Dating, job situation, school, certain relationships I have. I appreciate the brutal honesty, guess I gotta figure out some new strategies, FOR REAL!

You Blew It...Again

This thought just occurred to me while riding the train home today...

That an individual could have had so many chances at love and somehow manage to blow them all is disgusting, sad and unfathomable!

Dum de Dumb Dumb

I finally have a new home! I'm away from the ceaseless background roar of the BQE! Horray! Away from the fake awkward conversations with my antisocial roommate. Away from my tiny cramped room. Away from my rickety metal IKEA loft bed. Away from the stroller pushing yuppie yoga moms of my former 'hood. Away from the morning smells of burnt coffee, the muted earth-tone decor, the 'Squeeze me, stomp me, make me Wine' plaque at my old house. Yay!
Of course now I am living with an eccentric playwright and some other guy who I barely met before moving in. I traded in the pristine, snobby, White affluence of Carroll Gardens for 'Do or Die' Bedstuy. And on my second night here my roommate and I managed to drink a bottle of wine and an ENTIRE bottle of vodka! When we finished the wine he said he was going to run out to the store to get some beer, then he asked if I wanted vodka. I was like 'Uhhhh...well that's not necessary. But well, I guess I won't say no.' I have a little problem turning down vodka, lord help me! He kept making me drinks in a pint glass and continually refilling it. We rambled on for 4 hours about organic farming, dating, sex, activism, politics, San Francisco, blah blah blah and before you knew it we were both wasted and the bottle was empty. I can't tell if its a promising start to things or not...

Immaturity

I was dating an interesting, smart and sexy music producer casually for the past month and a half. Besides the obvious flaw of being emotionally unavailable (that's how I like all my men, I guess)due to a recent separation from his wife of 13 years, he was a bit different from my 'normal' type. First of all he had money and a good job, secondly he was white and to top it off he was older than me - in his 40s. My dating preferences as of the last couple years tend to run towards young, brown, marginally employed and foreign!
Even though I had little expectation of anything serious happening with this guy, I felt that he was mature, financially stable and educated - a step in the right direction, at least. We had lots of interesting conversations, made out in his art studio, he showed me a video of his son's band, I met his dog and his favorite bartender, he told me stories about his grandparents during W.W.II and how they stayed in touch even though they were in separate concentration camps, we discussed religion, politics and music. He was a cool guy and I was enjoying getting to know him. Well, turns out he's pretty much similar to the rest. Three days after having sex with him for the first time on the (4th or 5th date)I received this text message:

"Violeta, we talked a lot about doing the right thing and being a good person. I want to do that, and be up front that I'm not ready to keep dating. I think you're so sweet but my situation isn't going to make for anything very secure. I'm here now if you want to talk on the phone, or we could get together for coffee or a beer again. I hope you understand. Hugs, J."

Just when you thought you were dating a 46 year old man and things might be different - he dumps you by text message after sleeping with you! Ahhhhhh...is there no justice in this world??!!! Technology has absolved us of all propriety.

Is it Me or is it Society?!

I'm reading an essay by C. Wright Mills called 'The Sociological Imagination' for class. I've long suspected that beyond my own personal struggles to find love and companianship, that there is something wrong on a larger level - some insideous social breakdown between men and women - well, not even - between HUMANS in this country that prevents us from relating to one another in an open, sincere and loving way. My single friends report the same things time and time again - its hard to meet anyone interested in a relationship. Women complain the men are guarded, jaded, unable to comitt. Men complain the women are jugdgemental, overly emotional, demanding. (Forgive the apparent stereotypes here, but these are the common complaints that I hear from each gender.)Its helping me to view my own personal problems of lonliness and lack of a partner as a part of a greater issue. According to Mills, 'Troubles occur within the character of the individual and within the range of his or her immediate relations with others...A trouble is a private matter: values cherished by an individual are felt by her to be threatened. Issues have to do with matters that transcend these local environments of the individual and the range of her inner life...An issue is a public matter: some value cherished by the public is felt to be threatened.' Superficially, my failure to connect appears to be a private problem, my own personal hell. However, when we look at the swelling tides of isolation and lonliness around us, that more Americans are single than ever before, 27% of American households now consist of single individuals living alone - the highest number ever - we see that this is not just a personal trouble, this is a national epidemic!

As Mills goes on to say, '...consider unemployment. When, in a city of 100,000, only one is unemployed, that is his personal trouble, and for its relief we properly look to the character of the individual, his skill and opportunities. But when in a nation of 50 million employees, 15 million people are unemployed, that is an issue, and we may not hope to find its solution within the range of opportunities open to any one individual. The very structure of opportunities has collapsed. Both the correct statement of this problem and the range of possible solutions require us to consider the economic and political instituions of the society, and not merely the personal situation and character of a scatter of individuals.'