I was sitting here trying to meditate and my cell phone chimed to indicate I had received a text message. Technically, I guess I should have just turned the phone off. Then I was distracted, wondering who it was, wanting to rush to answer it. I finished my mediation anyway. But when I was done the first thing I did was reach for the phone.
I want to be a good person - a spiritual, peaceful, non-angst ridden person. I really do. But there seems to be this huge schism in my life between my developing spiritual side and my mediation practice vs my daily life. From day to day I’m dating, drinking, gossiping at work. Having lustful thoughts about the sexy cook. Texting my ex. Squandering precious hours online. Trying to ‘fit in’. Being vain. Comparing myself to others. Indulging in sensual pleasures. Basically being anything but mindful.
The thing is, I don’t know how to live without these pastimes and behaviors in my life; I fear that if I give them up I will be totally alone. I won’t be able to relate to any of my friends. I will be more of a freak than ever. And yet I see that these activities are less and less meaningful to me, they are more anxiety producing than comforting. I am not sustained by these things.
My daily meditation practice is making me feel better. But I’m conflicted. I don’t know who to talk to about these things. Most of the teachings seem to be written by and directed towards people who are monks or at the very least very strict about their religious/spiritual discipline. In general organized religion does not appeal to me and I don’t even know if I want to be a Buddhist per se. I would like to start by being a happier, more balanced and compassionate person in my everyday life. Can I do that? All I know is that somehow, despite my confusion, I’m on the right path…
3 comments:
Could you be manufacturing a false dichotomy here? In casting yourself as the madonna/whore, you create two selves, two sets of behavior, two sets of values, and two kinds of pain. As you range from one end of the "moral" spectrum to the other, you must endure pain defined by want and pain defined by guilt. In both cases, the "good"/"bad" dichotomy will always give you angst and consequently suffering.
Consider the world "liberation." Meditation liberates us from the physical world, but we can still feel mighty antsy if we sit too long. Too much virtue heightens our taste for vice or engenders angst. In the case of sexuality, liberation has a positive meaning--freedom for social strictures and social constraints. But, once you are free, liberation itself becomes a prison: sex bereft of intimacy becomes just sex. One difference between anonymous sex and masturbation is that masturbation comes with far fewer complications.
You could try to find a middle ground, but that only works if moderation becomes an overriding principle in itself. The trick is to reconfigure you cognitive and philosophical playing field. How can you redefine things, people, goals, and actions in you life to forge something holistically new? Such reformulation is never complete and an on-going process, but it can help you feel better about your choices and decisions.
Just don't embrace the wrong narrative. Tibetan monks can live extraordinarily rich lives, but they have so reconfigured their needs in a unique way. An entire society informed by spiritual happiness could become the sex-starved, repressed world of early modern Christianity. Inspirational reading by definition inspires us, but it does not always provide the road map. Remember the fate of those poor early Christians who lived in "imitation of Christ" and thought that physical suffering was required for salvation. Sleeping on a bed of nails always stings.
A wonderful example of different reading is Nietzsche. Existentialists characterize Nietzsche as a prophet in the wilderness of bourgeois sterility, but, in truth, he was a very unhappy man (probably bipolar). Does that mean that his readings are valueless? No, if you are looking for certain answers. I like stories that contain some cathartic or transcendent narrative, so the meaningfulness of actions (and inaction) matters far more than their inherent value based on some moral code. They suggest that we can make decisions about our lives and hopefully make choices rather than be caught up in one tornado or another.
Take a look at Irvin Yalom. He writes about psychology from an existential perspective.
My intention is not to create a false dichotomy for myself or others, merely to draw attention to a dichotomy that our society has created for women. It's true that I myself struggle not to fall into one of these prescribed roles. But I also think there's a third possibility... that of the Sacred Whore! Ha ha! (I know I'm being a bit overly simplistic here...)
This blog is meant to express the spectrum of my experience in today's complex world. Its also a way for me to explore my own evolution and change. Some postings are very much tongue-in-cheek (Virgin Whore Complex, Porn) while others are painfully sincere (The Middle Path, Despair). It may seem muddled but its fun so far!
Thanks for your reading suggestions, I'm gonna check out Irvin Yalom.
I think the proximity of the two entries had me perplexed. Then, again, I recently persuaded a teenager that funnel cakes were produced and sold on the roller coasters in Great Adventure. There are many perils to speaking with a straight face and sometimes you can read that way as well. Its good that you can both have fun and find enlightenment.:)
I meant the false dichotomy that we make in our minds. Society fabricates a myriad of value-laden dichotomies: whore/stud, emotional/passionate, irrational/indecisive, etc. And, we often become hostage to the very language and categories from which we wish to escape. Strangely enought, this didn't bother Socrates who was a teacher/pain-the-arse.
Post a Comment