Despair

So far this blog has been all about my search for love. But lest I neglect the mental illness bit, I need to talk a little about depression. Depression is awful. That’s fair enough to say. People who have struggled with depression throughout their lives are sympathetic, they understand. But those who haven’t experienced it personally can be a bit judgmental. They will suggest you ‘snap out of it’, ‘pull yourself together’, ‘stop being so self-centered’, ‘get over yourself’, ‘stop whining’, etc, etc. I’ve received that type of advice a million times. The problem is you can’t do that. Depression is not laziness, or negativity or merely a lack of will power, or an inability to appreciate things. It is many things – a biochemical imbalance, a systematic way of looking at the world, a dysfunctional coping mechanism, learned helplessness, a catalyst for change when change is needed, an illness, a symptom of our sick society, a response to problems in one’s life, an addiction, a consequence of isolation, something that runs in families. Depression completely takes over your life and distorts your perception of reality. You cannot think straight. You cannot make decisions or plan for the future. And once you know you have depression you are forever scared that you may be falling back into its strangling grip. At least I am. I’m never sure if I’m over- reacting to a situation because I’m depressed or whether the situation really is shitty. Such is the case with my life right now.

I’m tired of pretending to be OK. My life, at this point is somewhat of a fiasco. When you question what is the point of being alive on a daily basis, that is not a good thing. But I don’t know what to do. There is no one to blame. I know now that I am responsible for my own suffering. What I don’t know is how to stop.
Years of failed relationships with men who could not love me back the way I wanted (even the way I deserved, as they all later confess), friendships that I never felt secure or safe in, jobs that were not only uninspiring but completely draining, confusion about my career, crippling loneliness, depression and isolation, have left my self esteem at a low point.

But I know I am ultimately responsible, I am the only one who can change things. And how I have tried to get better. I may have been ignorant but certainly not lazy. I have tried everything I can think of: therapist after therapist to liberate me from my depression, medication – so many different ones to quiet the obsessive negative ruminations of my mind, to help me feel ‘OK’ enough to make it through the day, hours and hours at the gym exercising to help me feel better about my body, to create enough endorphins to dull the pain, countless hours of prayer, pleading to a god I am uncertain of, a million tears to cleanse my eyes, days of silence and meditation trying to unravel my existential questions. Yet, I am lost. As lost as I’ve ever been. As lonely as I’ve ever been. And so, so, sooooo tired of it. I just don't know what to do next.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to change. I want to be at peace. I want to feel alive again. I want to feel that my life matters.
The teacher at one of my Buddhist classes last night reminded us, ‘Every life contains ten thousand sorrows and ten thousand joys.’ Certainly there has been joy in my life but at this point I feel blind to it. Like I will never, ever, glimpse it again. I’m terrified I will never find love. I’m terrified this depression will never leave. I’m terrified I will never feel alive and happy again.