Getting It

My coworker (who can, at times, be quite cutting) said something really nice the other day. I was worrying aloud that I looked old. He said, "Violet, You're beautiful. Don't let anybody tell you any different." That made my night.

The problem is I've started to worry about what's wrong with me. I search for reasons why I'm still single, why I haven't had better luck with men. I can't decide what's to blame - my personality or my looks! In the looks department; sometimes its because I'm too fat, other times too old, other times not hip enough. Then there's my personality - that's another whole issue! ha ha... Maybe I'm too intense, maybe I'm too shy, maybe I'm too depressed, maybe I'm not successful enough, maybe I'm not accommodating enough... Blah, blah, blah. Once I go down this path I feel bad about myself. And then I get mad too because I start thinking of all the other people out there who despite their many shortcomings have found love. I start thinking I'm cursed.

But when I'm feeling calm and reasonable about things, when I feel balanced, I realize that I just haven't met the right person or that maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I realize that my life - pretty much from its inception on a crazy, Catholic commune in the woods, has never been normal or conventional. I've never gone from point A to B to C. While most people I know are getting married, having kids and settling down, I'm preparing to sell everything I own and run away to New York City! This is just me. Someday someone I meet will appreciate these eccentricities and will love me because of/despite them!

And someday (soon, I hope) I will relax and learn to relish the richness of my life, just as it is.

Role Playing

The other day at work a guy asked if I was an actress.
I replied, "Well, I AM starring in my own melodrama."

SEX SEX SEX!!!

I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. Well, really when am I not?! But anyway, I was accidentally sent a Kings of Leon CD in the mail. I was going return it but then I just decided to keep it because I kinda like that 'Sex on Fire' song. I’m such a big dork. I so kept listening to this song which is all about great sex and its really got me thinking.
I feel like I haven’t had great sex in years. Actually, I think it would be accurate to say that I have only been having pretty mediocre sex in the past couple years. And yes, sex is like pizza - even when its bad its still pretty good (I actually hate that saying but its kind of appropriate here, so forgive me). So, if sex is like pizza, then I’ve been eating at Dominos for the last couple years when I could be licking delicious homemade sauce off of my fingers at some candlelit pizzeria on a backstreet in Rome! WTF?!
A lot of people will also say ‘sex is overrated’. Well, let me tell you something. The people that say this are always the one’s who are getting laid. After a while they get bored and feel like they could take it or leave it. I know because I’ve been there. But for me to hear this right now is pretty much the equivalent of someone who just walked out of a buffet telling a hungry person that eating is overrated. Sex is important. It helps us relax, it grounds us, it connects us, it feels great, it makes us appreciate our bodies, it’s a way of sharing with another person that transcends words. And when you haven’t had any affection in while, its bliss to be touched.
Problem is when you decide that you don't wanna give it up to just anybody who's hot; when you wanna hold out for something or someone special, then you gotta wait. And wait. And wait...

Rata de Dos Patas - Two Legged Rat

My lovely Salvadorian co worker taught me this song for men who are complete assholes...

English Translation:

Filthy rat
Despicable animal
Scum of life
Ill-made monstrosity!
Subhuman
Mirror image of hell
Damned louse!
How much damage you've done to me!

Vermin
Venomous snake
By-product of life
I hate you and despise you

Two-legged rat!
Yes, Im speaking to you!
Because any despicable insect
Even being the most evil
Compared with you
Just seems so innocent

Damnded bloodsucking leach
Damnded... cockroach
You infect where you poke around
You injure, and you kill

Vermin
Venomous snake
By product of life
I hate you and despise you

Two legged rat!
Yes, Im speaking to you!
Because any despicable insect
Even being the most evil
Compared with you
Seems so innocent

Psychos, Psychos, Everywhere

I noticed a kinda cute boy in the Self Help section (my favorite section, sad, I know) of the local bookstore yesterday. He had been reading intently for quite a while. When he left I took a peek at the book that he had shoved hastily back on the shelf. The title was MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM. Shit.
Oh, but it gets worse.... The book on the ground by the chair he was sitting in was "Getting It Through My Thick Skull: Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need to Know" written by Mary Jo Buttafuco.
Are you fricking kidding me????!!!! Just when you thought the bookstore might be a good place to meet a nice guy. Scary.

All the Single Ladies

In case you didn’t know (which you probably didn’t) this is National Singles Week. Although couples only get a day (the dread V Day), it seems highly appropriate that we singles get a whole week. After all couples get all those great fringe benefits that we don’t, things like, hmmmmm…let’s see – free backrubs (hey, if I want someone to touch me these days, in a way that doesn’t involve sex, I gotta pay!), wedding presents, lower rent, boxes of chocolates, someone to bring them soup when they are sick, flowers, help paying the PG&E bill, sex with someone who actually loves them, bachelorette parties, health insurance…

But people in relationships don’t have all the fun. Oh no. Certainly not! Let’s not forget all the lovely things we can enjoy all on our own: smuggling burritos into romantic comedy matinees in the middle of the day, sleeping in until 2pm with no one to bother you, no strings attached wild sex with someone you definitely won’t respect in the morning, eating homemade chocolate frosting in your bathrobe on the couch at 1am, long, drunken, late night walks home with plenty of time for you to giggle and scream out loud to yourself if you so desire (which you do), sultry afternoons in bed with just yourself and your Hitachi magic wand, rewatching the threesome sex scene from Y Tu Mama Tambien endlessly, speaking the international language of love (and not much else) with sexy locals in foreign locales, picking up hot Serbian soccer players at the Oakland International Airport, still getting to list your MOM as your emergency contact at age 35… ahhhh… the list is endless.
So cheers, to… US!!! Besos!

This girl is funny

I can kinda relate. 'Cept she's a sports fan, wears designer clothes, has a rich mom and just might be a jerk...

Ahhhh... this link thing is driving me crazy, forget the link below (unless you want to cut and paste) and just click on the title of this particular blog entry...
http://oopsiedaisy.typepad.com/oopsie_daisy/2009/05/index.html

Meditation Bootcamp

Last spring, utterly heartbroken and forlorn I decided to go on a 10 day silent meditation retreat. When I got back I tried to write about it. I got as far as the title ‘Meditation Boot Camp’ and could write nothing else. Those few words are pretty apropos though... Wake up at 4am, meditate, eat breakfast, meditate, take a short break, mediate some more, eat lunch meditate, take a short break, meditate, eat fruit and tea (nothing else allowed for dinner!), mediate, go to bed. Wake up and do the same thing. All in silence.

Needless to say, you get to know the core of your mind pretty well by the end of all it. The first couple days you are filled with doubt and fear, irritation and intense paranoia. You suspect you’ve been taken in by a cult. But you can’t talk to anyone about your suspicions. Then you start to get angry. Angry at the serenity and unflappability of the staff who work there (who could either be evil manipulative cult members or brainwashed drones), angry at those around you who annoy you with their very presence and who you can’t even talk to so you can find out that they really aren't that bad. Most of all you are angry at yourself for being insane enough to sign up for this. After about the 5th or 6th day a strange thing happens, all these emotions and thoughts start to burn off, like so many toxic exhaust fumes radiating out from your body and dissipating into the atmosphere. You start to feel calmer, lighter. By the 9th day you feel cleansed.

My mind was like a closet that I kicked open the door to; suspecting it was full of skeletons. Expecting the worst, I was instead confronted with profoundly tidy emptiness. No monsters, no murderers, no ghosts.

You can talk again on the afternoon of the 9th day. When we left our last period of silent meditation and stepped outside the meditation hall it was snowing. Big soft white flakes were covering the surrounding meadow and trees. It was so beautiful. I felt like it was a special miracle just for us. I wanted to cry with gratitude.

I ran across the meadow and found the girl who had been meditating the on the cushion next to me, my silent companion and neighbor all these wild and rocky 9 days. “Oh my god!!!” We were giddy. “What a trip!” “What was it like for you?!” We were stumbling over our words trying to describe our experience, giggling and laughing hysterically. We couldn’t stop talking. It turns out she had dated the lead singer of one of my favorite bands. Crazy, crazy world.

Boooooring!

I have been really bored lately. No men, no drama, no play, all this makes for a dull, dull day. People always like to imply if you are bored, then it might be because you are boring. Certainly I could stay up late at night reading National Geographic or French novels or even watching the news so I could be prepared to make interesting conversation on a chosen topic. What can I say? I don't. I've watched a lot of good movies on netflix lately but that's about it.
I need stimulation. Not from a book or a movie but from interaction in the three dimensional world. The good news is its making me more determined than ever to get the hell outta here. My friend is right, its just too nice out here in California, esp the Bay Area. We are lulling ourselves to sleep with all this comfort and convenience. Its the effin' Island of the Lotus Eaters out here!

Us and Them

I went to see 500 Days of Summer tonight. I have to say that I was not so thrilled. I got suckered into it by the trailer where she is singing the lines from one of my favorite Smiths songs...'if a 10 ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side...'. It was just another take on sensitive-emo-love-sick boy chases emotionally unavailable but super hot (in a quirky sorta way) hipsterish girl and gets his heart broken. How many of those movies have there been?! I'm sick of seeing idealistic and earnest romantics getting their poor little hearts tromped all over by some cool, elusive, hard-to-pin-down lover. Its bad enough when it happens to you personally without having to watch this tired cycle endlessly glamorized in popular culture. (I'm sounding a bit cranky here...)

Anyway, my drive home was much more interesting than the movie. It was a lovely balmy night here in Oaktown, I had some good music on in my car stereo and I decided to take a little drive. First I had an idea to sneak into a cemetery to look at the moon. Sadly the gates were locked. I briefly debated hiking up a dark hill to check out a mausoleum but then changed my mind when it appeared that a lot of young thuggish looking guys were hopping in and out of cars on the dark street. Apparently a dead-end cemetery street is a great place for drug dealin'.

So I decided to drive through Piedmont. Damn Piedmont is nice! Huge houses stacked on hillsides with crazy panoramic views of the bay. Trees forming graceful arcs over the street. Skunks and raccoons waddling around on their nocturnal quests.

I love to walk through neighborhoods like this and peer in people's windows. It always fascinates me to imagine the lives going on inside those houses. What kind of people can afford places like this? Are they ordinary people who just happened to get lucky or who were born into money? Or are they extraordinary people - a reknown cardiologist who invented a new surgical procedure, successful filmmakers, trilingual international CEOs, famous novelists, a university professor researching the cure for HIV? How are their private lives inside those immaculate, manicured homes? I'd love to make a documentary about the American Dream and interview these people to find out more. How did they get there? What are their lives like?

It was 68 degrees out at 11pm. Nights like tonight remind me its gonna be a hard to leave Oakland. I'm a little enamored by this strange town. Still in the honeymoon phase, I guess.