C'est La Vie

I've never met a man or a job that I couldn't quit...
WITHOUT regret!

News Flash

I'm totally over my roommate. In fact he's annoying me. Tonight he had the nerve to knock on my door at 11:30 pm to ask me if I had an extra wine glass in my room. Don't bug me at that hour over some trifling detail. We aren't sophisticated people here - this place is a dump. Pour that damn cheap 'wine product' you drink into one of my 99cent store water glasses, give it to your girl and call it a day!
The other night he was running off to his room with a pint of ice cream and two spoons. He was like, "I have to go feed my baby." Now, I'm not into him anymore but you'd think he'd have the decency to be a little bit low key about that stuff with me after what happened with us in the recent past. He just seems to be a tad bit too gleeful about it all. This kind of thing makes me want to bring my new latin lover over to have loud sex with on the living room couch. Ahem... not that'd I'd actually ever stoop to that level of immaturity...
Anyway, I get over men prettttty damn quickly. Its a coping mechanism I've had to learn over the years. As I once told my roommate right after his girlfriend moved here from Serbia, "I'm not interested in people who aren't interested in me."
And truth be told, I'm going through men here in New York at an unprecedented rate. I haven't met this many guys since I was in my early 20s. So, I'm not gonna get hung up on any one of them. I'm waiting for that one who is really special and feels the same about me. Until that day, easy come, easy go mi amigos!

Unbelievable!

Hakim called me tonight. He asked me if I was still single. I told him I was. He was like "Oh well you must not want a boyfriend." As if it were that easy...

When I politely inquired as to how things were going with him and his ex wife he said, "Ohhhh good. Well, she is weak like all women but its OK..." I was like, "Oh excuse me, what did you say - women are weak?!" Hakim: "Oh yeah women are weak in the brain, you too habibati." When I asked him WHY women were weak he said, "Well god made them that way." Hmmmmmm. Interesting. So then I asked him, "So how did God make men?" To which he replied, "God made men assholes."
Ha ha ha!!!! He really is too much! I was dying.
I prompted him, "Oh really, so its God's fault men are are assholes?" Then he said, "Well God made some men assholes and women turned some men into assholes."
Huh. So women are not only WEAK but also partially to blame for why MEN ARE ASSHOLES! Got it.

Then he asked me, "How is your shape?"
"My shape?" WTF?! "Well", I reminded him, "you once told me that I should go to the gym instead of spending so much time hanging out with my roommate." (He was insecure about me living with two guys.)
He was like, "Oh well your shape has always been very good. I must have been drunk or stoned if I said that."
WOW.

I'm not even pissed. I'm fascinated. I just can't believe the things that come out of this guy's mouth.
Hilarious!

At the edge of the world

So we had a BBQ on our rooftop. My roommate's clearly in love. I made mojitos and got moody and sad. I want to be happy for others when they are happy. Especially when they are cool people and I know they struggle in life. But I'm too scared that I will be left behind...alone forever. And eternally misunderstood...or neglected. Ugh. Please don't let it be so!

Anyway, here are some pictures:

I don't want to give up and go back home

Fireflies and thunderstorms
The damp hot air like a caress
Thick and soft, smelling of salt
It makes my hair curly, makes me crazy

I can imagine I'm in another country
Don't know anyone here
and frankly don't care

Kids play in the park
A symphony of languages
tangling their tongues
The heat presses down

Ice cream trucks and filthy streets
Midsummer rain doesn't even bother me
No one ever shuts up
and the city doesn't sleep

Stoned in the subway at Times Square
Someone plays the keyboard
And everyone is swaying, wanting to dance
An unexpected magic moment

I'm smiling at my reflection in the train window
Lost as all hell
And lonely as fuck

Still, somehow managing to have a good time
Once in a while

Here Comes the Come Down

So I’m sitting here feeling what? Vindication that I was right, that I accurately predicted the situation, that my worst fears lurking just around the corner will soon be confirmed. I’m the perfect architect of my own misery. Happy in my own familiar hell.

I set Hakim up for failure. I snooped, spied and judged. I reacted to his ambivalence with anger. My ego would not allow me to trust or be patient. I wanted to be right, I didn’t want to be made a fool of. I couldn’t relax and enjoy things. I wanted to be in control. I created a self fulfilling prophecy. And I walked away from it all the way I knew I would even from the start.

With M. Well, that was just unexpected. What cruel magic could allow me (us) to feel that way under the circumstance of her impending arrival? Or was it just simply as I said - we were both lonely, nothing more, nothing less. We filled our time with each other, indulged in dramatic conversations and feelings, submitted ourselves to sensation, threw caution to the wind and immersed ourselves in the moment. ‘Play with fire and you get burned’ keeps running through my head. How come I feel like I’m the only one to ever get burned though? Or is that another illusion of my own egocentricity? Thinking I’m always alone.

I heard someone playing guitar in the apartment above me. Hearing him sing, a sliver of hope stabbed me.
Maybe loneliness is universal.

Falling Down

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

All is full of love

When I feel really bad this song reassures me. So beautiful.

Quoteable

H is actually pretty hilarious. Here are some choice quotes from him:

The first thing he said to me today when he saw me in a white sundress was, "I can see your underware. Do you want everyone on the street to see your underware?"

Then I told him I had been spending a lot of time hanging out with my roommate he said, "He just wants your ass. Everyone wants your ass." I was like "Ummmmm...thanks but really its not that great."

When I told him that all my friends agreed his behavior lately was suspicious he said, "That's because your friends don't want you to be happy." I was like, "Really? Why?" Him - "Because you look better than them." WTF?! He's never even seen or met any of my friends.

About my new neighborhood, "You live in the projects habibti(sweetheart in Arabic), I'm sorry but its the projects."

Re my roommates: "When I go in your house and I see their shoes lying around and it smells like sneakers... Do you want to live in a prison?" Also, "Your Dad would not be happy knowing you are living in New York City with two men." And, "If I were to have a woman come live with me like a roommate, I'm sure I would be nice to her, sit on the couch talking to her, cook dinner for her. And I'm sure at some point I'm gonna sleep with her." I guess this is to illustrate the point that he thinks that its basically inevitable that men and women who live together as roommates are going to sleep together. I pointed out that I've lived with plenty of men over the years who somehow, I quite miraculously restrained myself from F@#Cking.

On several occasions he asked me, "Is there something wrong with your mind?"
Well, yeah duh...if I was remotely sane, I would NOT be hanging out with you Freakjob.

Should have known better...

As I predicted, I AM making a big mess of things after all. Hakim has pretty much been MIA all week, canceling plans, saying he's gonna call and then disappearing or calling at 1am. I hadn't seen him in over a week until today when I finally lost patience and went by his vintage clothing store to give him a piece of my mind. I also happened to mention that I had feelings for someone else. Immature, I know but I am so frustrated, nothing seems to evoke a response out of him. He actually got a little rattled. He's a complete nut; I am basically on the verge of breaking up with him and he's asking me if I'd like to go to Algeria with him for a little vacation. PSYCHO! Anyway, I just DO NOT TRUST this guy. He's shady as hell and I'm over it.

Meanwhile, I've been spending hours lying around on the couch with my roommate having crazy conversations about Love (his favorite topic), people, art, meditation, Psychology, etc. He gets all passionate when he's talking, sometimes he grabs my hand and holds it or hugs me. I was starting to feel like maybe he was into me but I didn't want to misread the situation. Well, the other night pretty much answered that question. By the end of it he had his arms around me and was stroking my hair and my face. It felt really nice but I had to end things there. First of all, he's my roommate and we are just getting to know each other, and really - most importantly - he has this Serbian girl who he's been talking to online for 7 months coming here NEXT WEEK. He's never met her in person but if they've been talking everyday for months its safe to say that they will probably hit it off in person. Sigh... Not that I want to begrudge him happiness. He's a total weirdo too (clearly I love freaks!)but he's also a romantic, an idealist and a sweetie. So, I'm steeling myself for her arrival next week, his subsequent lack of interest in me and worse yet, late night giggling sessions as his Serbian princess slips in and out of his room between lovemaking sessions. UGH. The only positive thing I can say is thank god my room is completely on the other side of the apartment from his, which will hopefully minimize some of the impending trauma.

Good lord, my luck in love is HIDEOUS! It just feels like a cruel cosmic joke is being played on me. I must be the world's biggest idiot when it comes to men.