Today was a good day

I didn't even have to use my AK...

I haven't been in the greatest mood lately. Truth be told, I've been just a touch angry.
OK...OK...I've been in a bitter, scathing rage. The kind of rage that let's me walk down the street not caring if I live for die; the kind of rage that makes me fantasize about tying certain men's balls in knots, the kind of rage that makes me want to kick random people and yell at babies, the kind of rage that makes me explode to my therapist that there's 'just too many fucking people in this city!!!'
It gives me a sliver of empathy for people who freak out and commit violent acts. I'm not condoning violence, nor am I going to lose my $hit, but I can kinda see where they're coming from.

I won't go into WHY I'm angry, that's too deep and personal to really take the time to articulate here but suffice to say that I haven't been feeling the greatest about things.

Anyway, what I finally realized today is that I have to stop playing these foolish games with men. The men I've met in NYC are trifling, at best. To spent time with them is to waste my time. No one has shown a sincere interest in me in ages. So in the spirit of not beating a dead horse, I need to let it (the search for love and companionship), let THEM go... Truth be told, I'm not gonna miss anyone that much!

I need to come to terms with the fact (and here's where it gets kinda deep, and scary too) that I'm scared I can't take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I really, really want to try but I'm terrified of the responsibility of having a family - or even a pet - and all those other things that most people just seem to be able to do without overanalyzing them to death. It might sound dumb, or heartless or self indulgent. But I'm scared of making mistakes and hurting people.

I guess the reality is we all hurt people and other living creatures, even if we try not to. The best we can do is bring a little awareness to the table and try to minimize the damage we do. I just gotta take the plunge. And maybe sometimes its OK for me to be angry. It might even be OK for me to be a bitch, on occasion. Hey, that sounds fun!

After therapy I ate an ice cream and sat in Central Park. I watched a squirrel drink from a puddle and little birds bathe in it. I watched the pedicabs roll by full of tourists gesticulating to the building tops of Columbus Circle, barely visible over the trees. I looked at the sad horses towing ramshackle old carts, their heads topped with tattered feathers in a fake attempt at jauntiness. I watched the cart drivers cluck to their horses and the pedicab drivers' rhythmically pumping calves. I think most of them were from other countries. I tried to imagine their dreams when they came here to New York, their struggles and goals, the families they left behind.

After a while everything didn't seem so bad.

You Can Make It Alone...

Ahhhh Brooklyn, I think I love you. I know its unrequited, sadly like so many of my affections. And our love isn't perfect, that's for sure. Sometime you annoy the hell out of me, you're big and dirty and full of so goddamn many people. But at the end of the night, I can't wait to rush home to you. The comfort of my own little neck of the woods; the faded but elegant lines of my little studio await me in Crown Heights. I know I'm slightly out of place here and yet being an outsider is what makes me comfortable, its all I know. From my childhood on, I've always known what it was like to be different, to be alone. And now it comforts me.

As I walk down these hot dusky streets, shadows and shade etched by the drooping branches of ancient trees - as street-wizened as the old men that lounge languorously on their stoops smiling and nodding hello to passersby, I'm enveloped by a keen joy that is almost as sweet and piercing as sadness. This is a place where children still dance through hoses, jump double dutch and play ball in the street. Its not Mr. Roger's neighborhood though, its not innocent - there's a vague sense of danger and gathering intensity on hot nights. But the streets feel alive, compassionate, humming with life here - not dead and vacant like yawning suburban streets - empty, wide and engulfing - with only the blue blur of TVs flickering in windows to indicate that any sort of life exists. Or worse yet, the silent hostile lines of tall pines crowding a dark sky bursting with cold stars,the lonely hush of the forest, the feeling of wilderness stretching around you, void of people, dark tangles of branches and wild animals baying at each other in moon saturated meadows. That was MY childhood, the feeling of dark jagged pines closing in, the feeling of being adrift - a small oasis of human life in a giant undulating sea of dark, stern, pressing hills.

So I'm here now. Embraced by the chaos of the urban jungle. Trying to live and love. And making a big mess of it all as usual. Somehow, I think I just might be OK, on my own, after all. Or at least for now...

Spring Cleaning

Well, today has been productive - I've gotten rid of 3 guys in one day!
After an atrociously boring and awkward dinner date last night with the Indian guy who needs a green card during which I repeatedly attempted to make conversation, only to have him sit their limply, I had to cut him off once and for all.  I was considering taking him home (he's alright in bed) but he was just so...bleh, I couldn't bare to do it.  I've tried to have compassion for him and help him find a job or a girl to marry but I just can't endure it anymore, he brags about how stubborn he is and how he won't ask his cousin (who is high up at Google) for a job because he doesn't like him, he blatantly says he has 'no interest' in music and states he only cares about sports.  DULL, duller and more dull!  Then today he starts texting me about how he wishes he could have come over last night.  Forget it dude, you barely upheld your end of the conversation, were completely listless, answered your phone during dinner, didn't compliment me... All this after texting me all day how he missed me and wanted to see me and then he shows up and acts like a complete jerk.  Forget it.  So I told him - 'sorry we have nothing in common, let's just move on'.

Next up was a guy who, after two quite chaste dates, asked me via text message how many men I'd slept with. He also went on to judge one of my friends who he'd met briefly in passing, later texting me about how he can't stand it when voluptuous women 'pander to their skinny self absorbed friends'.  WTF?!  Seriously???!  I'd already told him I didn't appreciate his judgments and assumptions and I had ignored his texts over the last few days hoping he'd get the message.  Well, today I got a message suggesting I come over and watch Chris Rock videos with him during the thunderstorms.  To which I replied 'Sorry, who is this?' (I'd deleted his number).  With customary arrogance, he sent a text saying 'Its me'.  Now if I had a nickle for every time I get a text or call from a guy referring to himself as 'me' I'd be rich!  If only they knew how many 'me's were out there!  Ha ha... So, I politely told him I didn't enjoy his assumptions and judgments about my friends or my sexuality and didn't want to hear from him ever again.  DONE.

Finally, I had to clarify things with a cute guy who owns a business in the neighborhood who I'd been out with once. He seemed sweet but I was beginning to suspect he was a player only out for one thing.  Sure enough when he said he missed me and my 'beautiful smile' and I suggested that he make time to hang out again - I got back a message stating that he just simply 'couldn't get excited about a woman unless he had a sexual relationship with her' because 'sex was 80% of a relationship.' Huh.  Now clearly I'm no prude and I happen to enjoy sex QUITE a bit but if someone can't even give me a couple dates before expecting to hook up, that's just pathetic.  NEXT...
I've got a date lined up for Thursday and another for next Tuesday.  I hope these guys are smarter and more civilized but we'll see.

New York

"The soft rush of taxis by him, and laughter, laughter hoarse as a crow's, incessant and loud, with the rumble of the subways underneath - and over all, the revolutions of light, the growing and recedings of light - light dividing like pearls - forming and reforming in glittering bars and circles and monstrous grotesque figures cut amazingly in the sky.
...There were the bells and the continued low blur of auto horns from Fifth Avenue, but his own street was silent and he was safe in here from all the threats of life, for there was his door and the long hall and his guardian bedroom - safe, safe! The arc-light shining into his window seemed for this hour like the moon, only brighter and more beautiful than the moon."
- from The Beautiful and Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Too picky...or not picky enough?

I'm beginning to think I have issues...serrrrrrious issues! Well, if we are truly honest with ourselves, I think we all do. But I'm not gonna let myself off the hook that easy.
The other day my friend referred to me as a 'pimp'. Its kind of funny really but the truth is I'm a bit of a bullshitter with men. No, I don't lie or cheat but I do lay it on thick - flirt and flatter and stroke their egos. And I meet guys all the time. In NY its is getting to be kind of a problem. I meet them everywhere - at the corner deli, at the local cafe, at school, at work, on the street, online, at the bookstore, on the bus, at the pizzeria...wherever. I get asked out all the time. On any given day I have several guys texting me at once. Given that I want to meet someone you'd think - that's great - what's the problem? But the issue is, it never goes anywhere with these guys. I don't sleep with them all, in fact I don't hook up with most of them. Some I go on a few dates with and then never see again, some ask me out but I turn them down, some I do end up dating for a little while. Sometimes I go months without sex - which makes me crazy but you gotta do it. Its not that I don't find these guys appealing - most of them are attractive and if I take the time to go out with them and talk to them I almost always like them. But no one really moves me, no one seems like someone I could really see myself with. One thing about me - good and bad, I guess - is that I give guys chances that most of my friends would turn up their noses at - guys that don't speak that much English, guys who don't have great jobs or lots of money, guys who are from other countries (I'm not just talking Europe here people - I don't care what country they are from if they seem cool and interesting - I'm not biased). But herein lies the problem - I pride myself on not being snobby and I like to tell myself that I could love anybody. However, all my romantic daydreams are beginning to seem like hot air because at the end of the day I don't fall in love with any of these guys. It never goes anywhere because we just don't have enough in common. My crappy Spanish is not enough to sustain a meaningful and deep intellectual conversation with someone, I'm too independent and liberal to date a strict Muslim, I can't marry someone who desperately needs a green card and is OK with arranged marriages, the guy who works in the deli is nice enough but we don't have much to talk about, the older guy who just separated is still not over the dissolution of his marriage, the guy 10 years younger than me isn't mature enough, the emotionally damaged Serbian who's into S&M is too fucked up to sustain a relationship, the guy with the kid who tells me he's a recovering addict sounds like too much trouble, the guy who lives upstate, well - lives upstate and is way into bodybuilding...and on and on it goes. The problem is the more I meet, the more confused I get and then it becomes this attitude of 'easy come, easy go'. I start to feel lost. Instead of empowered I feel hopeless. I start to disgust myself with my easy smile and flirtatious ways; I realize it has become second nature for me, almost a defense against the inevitable pain and disappointment I'm about to feel, to move from one guy to the next.
The first thing I did today after having a frustrating text exchange with a guy I'd been dating where we agreed we were looking for different things - was head to a nearby cafe to flirt with the owner who I knew kind of liked me. After warmly welcoming me he got around to asking me if I was seeing anyone. When I told him nope - there was no one, he leaned over the counter looked at me intently and said, 'Why are you so picky?'. I've heard that question a couple times from guys - I guess the logic is - 'you're an attractive, friendly seeming woman - you must get plenty of offers - WTF is your problem?' And its true, I do get plenty of offers but its never quite right. I just don't know anymore - am I being too picky or not picky enough? I'm starting to think that quantity just confuses and quality is where is at. And I don't mean these guys are bad guys, they aren't. From what I can tell of most of the guys I go out with - they are basically sweet, decent, human beings looking for and deserving of love. But unfortunately we just don't have much in common and though I try, I cannot imagine a life with them. If I'm honest with myself, I probably should have known it was a long shot from the get go.
I dream of the day when some random guy will hit on me and I won't bat an eye, because I'm going home to someone I really love.

Issues

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself but the following sentence popped into my head while I was showering today - One day I hope to be a fully functioning member of the human community capable of an intimate relationship with another human being rather than a debased psuedo-intellectual who fucks for sport and objectifies young, 'exotic' men...

All this on the heels of a text message marriage proposal (my second to date!)from a young Indian guy I was dating in order to get his green card, getting hit on by a black cop in my neighborhood (as opposed to being eyed suspiciously or stopped and frisked)and setting up a date with a sexy young Dominican guy who works at the deli across from the YMCA. Oh lord, here we go again, it never ends!

I used to engage in this behavior mindlessly, gluttonously, addictively. But now thanks to a combination of maturity (sort of), psychotherapy and studying Sociology - I am beginning to wonder exactly what-the-fuck is going on here.

My Fair City

Impressionistic, drunken photos taken on NYE from a Soho rooftop. Deconstructed Empire State Building and the new World Trade Center (or whatever they're calling it these days) being built...

I'm not always so nice

So once in a while, usually when I come home alone and little drunk and feeling lonely, I look up my ex boyfriend's page on facebook. I know, not a good idea. Especially since he just got married. He was the one I wrote about a couple years ago on here. The Brazilian guy. So sweet and sexy and...crap, it took me forever to get over him! Actually, I broke up with him because after a year together it didn't seem like it was going anywhere. Well anyway, he's married now. Apparently, he's not going back to Brazil, which was a big issue with us because he kept vacillating about that. And he's married to this american girl. And, apparently they are sooooooooooooooo in love. Ick ick ick.........................
I am a total masochist, I know. They keep posting things like 'Loveeeeeeeeeee you soooo much' on facebook for all to see. He puts up pictures of her and labels them 'Cute'. She post pictures of him at the gym. Her family posts about him and how much they love him, his family posts about her and how much they love her and how beautiful she is (OK I'm being catty here - but she's cute, she's definitely not a model), blah blah. All this in two languages - English and Portuguese, no less.
I know I am being a jealous jerk but all these public displays of affection seem a bit staged and over-the-top. Even though I know its NONE OF MY BUSINESS. But I can't help being a bit nauseated and wishing all the love would just dissipate a little perhaps, if not wither away entirely. I'm a horrible person, I know. Ugh. Can anyone relate?

Kinky

As I was lying in bed this morning (avoiding getting up until my creepy roommate left the house) I was thinking of my friend N. On my last visit to her house she ended up pulling out a box of old pictures to show me something from an ex boyfriend. The box was full of romantic cards, notes from old flames and a bunch of jewelry different guys had given her. Rings, necklaces, earrings - all very sweet and nice - an abundance of gold and fake diamonds. It got me thinking about the gifts from MY exes. I must say the list is more scandalous than sweet. Among the gifts ex lovers have bestowed upon me:

a huge rug with a fire breathing dragon on it
a small crystal penis talisman
a voodoo goat horn
a ball gag
a leather jacket
a whip
a tattoo on my shoulder
police issued hand cuffs
a $500 custom made corset
a book on BDSM
a Michel Foucault book called 'The birth of the Clinic'

Not a single cute card or a pair of earrings!

This might explain a lot...

VD

Wow. Happy Valentine's Day to me! I really hate this day, needless to say. But it doesn't exactly make matters better when I go to check facebook and my married friend post a link to an article about books to read 'for bitter singles on Valentine's Day' with the comment "Thinking of you on your favorite day!" blah blah... Now is it just me or is that a bit mocking and insensitive?! While I have no problem grousing about my lovelorn status to my friends (and anonymous strangers - on here), I don't particularly want my facebook friends, family and acquaintances knowing what a sad, lonely, sourpuss I am! With over half the population officially filing their taxes as 'single', it might be time for some sensitivity training for couples and smug married people. As any single person will inevitably tell you - often the WORST love advice and most unsympathetic comments come from people in relationships. They are not only out of touch with what its like to be searching for a partner but they looooove to act like its your fault that you haven't met anyone decent. Come on guys!