Getting in touch with my Inner Bitch

I've been trying to be nice my whole life. My parents, as bleeding-heart-liberal Catholics, hammered in good Christian values like 'turn the other cheek' and 'love thy neighbor', they also believed in something called 'voluntary poverty'- which I can honestly say MOST Christians have no interest in. I grew up believing that it was basically my responsibility to help others in need. Rather than instilling in me a drive to succeed, discipline, ambition, artistic talent or even vanity they taught me to 'be a good person'. Well, it turns out that since most other people I encounter were taught the latter values and 'being a good person' or 'helping others' would probably fall at number 10 or 15 on their list right behind taking out the garbage or getting a prostate exam - this puts me at a bit of a disadvantage. You see, I've finally figured out that by being nice and helpful I'm allowing everyone around me to achieve their goals - and walk all over me in the process.

I've allowed my neurotic, narcissistic friend to rant endlessly to me for hours (for years of my life!)meanwhile barely expressing a passing interest in my life and showing nothing but impatience if not utter rudeness and irritation when on a rare occasion she pauses to listen to me describing any of my debacles. I've put up with men who were too busy to make time for me (focusing on their success),didn't want to commit, guys who lied about their marital status, name, etc, had a job where I had to work with filthy, crazy homeless people, dealt with more than my fair share of alcoholics and mentally ill friends and lovers as well as a seemingly endless supply of high maintenance women.

During a recent late night meal with a financially privileged and thin friend she 'joked' at least three times how she was going to go home and throw up. Each time she said it she'd laugh nervously and go "No, I'm just kidding" but seriously - we were eating steamed vegetable dumplings and CHINESE BROCCOLI not effin' KFC! Meanwhile, I was sitting there meekly listening to that and wondering if it even occurred to her that she was sitting across from someone who had struggled with her weight her entire life and was not thin.

Or take last night for example - when I guy I was starting to casually date and said he wanted to see me I thought he might have something nice in mind for us to do. I met him at the cafe that he owns. Immediately after rolling down the metal gates that cover the windows and locking all the doors, he grabbed me in the empty shop and starting kissing me furiously. Don't get me wrong, he's quite attractive BUT I don't totally trust him so I pulled away before things escalated in the direction of the white vinyl couch. We walked next door to a little lounge to have drinks where he proceeded to flirt with the waitress, invite his coworkers along and spend at least 30 mins perusing deep fat fryers to purchase for the cafe on his Ipad. So no one could blame me if I ordered several strong drinks, flirted with his lesbian business partner and went home on my own (where I was promptly welcomed by my drunk landlord having beers on the stoop with his friends who kept exclaiming how beautiful and sexy I was - which sorta cheered me up.)

Earlier in the week I was at dinner with a friend and at the end when I checked my phone I had a text message from another guy I'd gone on a couple dates with asking me if he could ask me a question and saying he hoped I'd answer honestly since "so many girls lie" about it. He then asked me how many guys I'd slept with. I showed my friend his text, she was horrified - that's always a risky question and its better done in person and once some intimacy has been established. I made some evasive comment about how I don't count anymore(which is true) trying to avoid the awkwardness of this exchange. When I woke up the next morning a volley of texts awaited me that had been sent at 3 am explaining how irresponsible he thought it was if women didn't know their exact number and how he valued his sexual health and this was important because his friend who has herpes(that he goes out with all the time) picks up girls all the time and doesn't tell them. I was immensely provoked - first of all I hadn't even so much as kissed this guy, especially since he had not-so-great breath and I wasn't even that into him. The audacity of him asking me such a personal question via text message and then lying awake at 3am hours later getting all judgmental about my response infuriated me!

So I cut him off. Politely explained to him that his questions via text were inappropriate and presumptuous (assuming that I was even interested in being physically intimate with him), vowed to never see him again (which was easy because I really wasn't that into him) and deleted his number. Now I have to deal with the overbearing friend, my alcoholic ex and the hordes of lecherous men I meet. I'm finally learning to stick up for myself.

Rule to live by

"Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces"
from Sermon on the Mount

Sexxting again

Who can resist the occasional bout of creative 'sexting'?!

Him: PS You look really good as the evil doll of the devil's daughter
Me: Haha...wish we coulda made out like evil teenagers
Him: LOL - No we couldn't because if we did then I would ask your friend to rub my back while I stroke u from the back and pour some vodka shots in your mouth while still stroking you but slowly and deep - I'll be black Jesus doing the devil's daughter, Derrick can be the devil and we hope that we don't get caught. Then the apocalypse comes - all you need for your outfit was a bug lollipop.

Next Day:
Me: When you put in the refrigerator please be shirtless. Then I want you to rub vanilla ice cream all over your nipples. So I can come lick it off.
Him: As long as you play the porn music in the background you got it and make sure you don't have the money to pay so you're going to have to pay in ANOTHER way

Kitties

Just so you know I'm not exaggerating these are literal ads for adoptable cats in Brooklyn. There are hundreds of them. I almost cried a couple times. I started thinking about how hard it would be to pick a baby or a child to adopt, hearing the sad stories and knowing they were all so worthy of love and security.
Anyway, I'm gonna try to go meet Emily...

CLEO BUNDLE OF LOVE!
Domestic Short Hair/Tabby - Buff Mix: An adoptable cat in Brooklyn, NY
Medium • Young • Female

Cleo lost her home when her owner's son decided that he wanted a kitten. Confused and hungry, she made her way to a neighbor's yard and was taken in. Now she's looking for a forever home - someone who won't abandon her this time!
Cleo is a sweet young girl who loves to be adored. She’ll always greet you with affection and will happily climb on your lap for a petting. She is equally content curled up on a chair for a nice long cat-nap. She is happy just being inside with someone to show her affection.

EMILY - ABANDONED IN RED HOOK
Domestic Short Hair: An adoptable cat in Brooklyn, NY
Medium • Adult • Female


This sweet, gentle little girl was dumped with another calico in front of a store in Red Hook. Clearly unused to her new circumstances she frantically approached anyone who passed by. She had scratches on her face and neck from digging in the trash and eating from cans as she desperately scrounged for food. Someone she approached asked us to help rehome her. Perfectly healthy, negative for FeLV/FIV, vaccinated, microchipped and spayed she is now ready to go to a home who will make sure she never has to fear being on the street again. Emily isn't especially fond of other cats but would be ok in a home with another quiet cat and some space. Otherwise she would love to be the center of attention in a home of her own where she could purr and cuddle with her own special person.

A short adoption application, brief home visit and modest adoption fee required.

MISS PENELOPE: WANTS TO BE YOUR ONLY CAT!
Domestic Short Hair-Black And White/Abyssinian Mix: An adoptable cat in Brooklyn, NY
Medium • Adult • Female


This beautiful young tuxedo was a teenage mother living on the streets, but unfortunately none of her kittens survived. Penelope was rescued and spayed to prevent any more kittens. Now we are trying to find her a home. She is young and loves to play but doesn't really like other kitties. She can play a little rough so she needs someone who can help her learn not to play so excitedly. However, she is very smart and can learn quickly. Penelope has tested negative for FeLV/FIV and been vaccinated for distemper and rabies.

Adopt ME!~

I've decided to get a cat. Because I need something to love. And I'm tired of talking to myself. And I like warm, furry creatures.
After hours of perusing cat 'personal ads' on Petfinder.com, I'm tempted write one for myself. Maybe I'll start a Girlfriendfinder.com or Loverfinder.com for all of us stray humans who need to be adopted and loved too!
Here's my ad:

This adorable, affectionate redhead is looking for her forever love.

Violeta was found living a hand-to-mouth existence in a rough neighborhood in Brooklyn, spending too much time in bars and on OKCupid - dating one NYC dickwad after another. Though she has mild PTSD from years of dealing with non committal guys (who used her for her body and superior skills in the boudoir), once you gain her trust she'll be a loyal and loving companion.
If you decide to share your home with her she'll greet you with a warm smile, inane chatter and endless BJs (dream on)to show you her appreciation.

Though Violeta is friendly and plays well with others she prefers to be the only lady of the house - no polyamorous looney toons, nor cheating bastards need apply.

She's negative for all STD's, is tattooed and has had her rabies shots. Don't even think of microchipping her!

Please be gainfully employed, provide at least 3 references and an adoption fee of 30,000 cash. A mandatory home visit will be scheduled beforehand.

Leave me alone

From The New Yorker

THE DISCONNECT: Why are so many Americans living by themselves?
BY NATHAN HELLER
APRIL 16, 2012
Today, half of U.S. residents are single, and a third of all households have one occupant.

As reliably as autumn brings Orion to the night sky, spring each year sends a curious constellation to the multiplex: a minor cluster of romantic comedies and the couples who traipse through them, searching for love. These tend not to be people who have normal problems. She is poised, wildly successful in an ulcer-making job, lonely. He is sensitive, creative, equipped with a mysteriously vast apartment, unattached. For all these resources, nothing can allay their solitude. He tries to cook. She collects old LPs. He seeks love in the arms of chatty narcissists. She pulls all-nighters in her office. Eventually, her best friend, who may also be her divorced mother, tells her that something needs to change: she’s squandering her golden years; she’ll end up forlorn and alone. Across town, his stout buddy, who is married to someone named Debbee, rhapsodizes about the pleasures of cohabitation. None of this is helpful. As the movie’s first act nears its end point, we spy our heroine in the primal scene of rom-com solitude: curled up on her couch, wearing lounge pants, quaffing her third glass of wine, and excavating an enormous box of Dreyer’s. She is watching the same TV show that he is (whiskey half drained on his coffee table, Chinese takeout in his lap), and although this fact assures us of a destined romance, it is not so useful for the people on the screen. They are alone; their lives are grim. The show they’re watching seems, from the explosive flickering, to be about the invasion of Poland.

Few things are less welcome today than protracted solitude—a life style that, for many people, has the taint of loserdom and brings to mind such characters as Ted Kaczynski and Shrek. Does aloneness deserve a less untoward image? Aside from monastic seclusion, which is just another way of being together, it is hard to come up with a solitary life that doesn’t invite pity, or an enviable loner who’s not cheating the rules. (Even Henry David Thoreau, for all his bluster about solitude, ambled regularly into Concord for his mother’s cooking and the local bars.) Meanwhile, the culture’s data pool is filled with evidence of virtuous togetherness. “The Brady Bunch.” The March on Washington. The Yankees, in 2009. Alone, we’re told, is where you end up when these enterprises go south.

And yet the reputation of modern solitude is puzzling, because the traits enabling a solitary life—financial stability, spiritual autonomy, the wherewithal to buy more dishwashing detergent when the box runs out—are those our culture prizes. Plus, recent demographic shifts suggest that aloneness, far from fading out in our connected age, is on its way in. In 1950, four million people in this country lived alone. These days, there are almost eight times as many, thirty-one million. Americans are getting married later than ever (the average age of first marriage for men is twenty-eight), and bailing on domestic life with alacrity (half of modern unions are expected to end in divorce). Today, more than fifty per cent of U.S. residents are single, nearly a third of all households have just one resident, and five million adults younger than thirty-five live alone. This may or may not prove a useful thing to know on certain Saturday nights.


FROM THE ISSUECARTOON BANKE-MAIL THIS
Eric Klinenberg, a sociologist at New York University, has spent the past several years studying aloneness, and in his new book, “Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone” (Penguin), he approaches his subject as someone baffled by these recent trends. Klinenberg’s initial encounter with the growing ranks of singletons, he explains, came while researching his first book, about the Chicago heat wave of 1995. During that crisis, hundreds of people living alone died, not just because of the heat but because their solitary lives left them without a support network. “Silently, and invisibly, they had developed what one city investigator who worked with them regularly called ‘a secret society of people who live and die alone,’ ” Klinenberg writes.

“Going Solo” is his attempt to see how this secret society fares outside the crucible of natural disaster. For seven years, Klinenberg and his research team interviewed more than three hundred people living alone, plus many of the caretakers, planners, and designers who help make that solitary life possible. Their sample included single people in everything from halfway hotels to elder-care facilities, and drew on fieldwork conducted primarily in seven cities: Austin, Texas; Chicago; Los Angeles; New York; San Francisco; Washington, D.C.; and Stockholm.

The results were surprising. Klinenberg’s data suggested that single living was not a social aberration but an inevitable outgrowth of mainstream liberal values. Women’s liberation, widespread urbanization, communications technology, and increased longevity—these four trends lend our era its cultural contours, and each gives rise to solo living. Women facing less pressure to stick to child care and housework can pursue careers, marry and conceive when they please, and divorce if they’re unhappy. The “communications revolution” that began with the telephone and continues with Facebook helps dissolve the boundary between social life and isolation. Urban culture caters heavily to autonomous singles, both in its social diversity and in its amenities: gyms, coffee shops, food deliveries, laundromats, and the like ease solo subsistence. Age, thanks to the uneven advances of modern medicine, makes loners of people who have not previously lived by themselves. By 2000, sixty-two per cent of the widowed elderly were living by themselves, a figure that’s unlikely to fall anytime soon.

What turns this shift from demographic accounting to a social question is the pursuit-of-happiness factor: as a rule, do people live alone because they want to or because they have to? At one point, Klinenberg suggests that living alone provides “restorative solitude”; it may be “exactly what we need to reconnect.” But most of the people he introduces seem neither especially restored nor vigorously connected. They are insecure, proud of their freedoms but hungry for contact, anxious, frisky, smug, occasionally scared—in short, they experience a mixture of emotions that many people, even those who do not live alone, are apt to recognize.

Take, for example, Kimberly, a New Yorker who’s in the film business, and who underwent a sort of crisis when she found herself past thirty and living alone. She threw herself into her work, but at night she numbed herself with epic sessions of TV. “It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn’t gonna happen the way it happened in college,” she tells Klinenberg. “People didn’t just drop by.”

Things changed when she made the decision to buy an apartment, committing to a future alone. She renovated, began hosting parties, went freelance, tried Internet dating, and made contact with Single Mothers by Choice, a support organization for unattached women hoping to raise a child. Was this self-realization or resignation? Kimberly confesses, “I didn’t want to hang curtains by myself. I’d always thought I would do it with a partner and a lover.” Yet autonomy as an ideal brought her happiness, she says, partly because it freed her from the shame of falling short.

Some people remain single out of a disinclination to settle. Elsewhere, we meet Justin, a young man who came to New York out of college and moved in with friends after he found that living alone made it hard to meet people. The less Justin relied on his roommates for social entrée and domestic support, though, the more they seemed to get in the way, imposing on his space, his privacy (“When you bring a girl home, not only will the girl notice your roommates, but your roommates will notice her”), and his capacity to live as he pleased. He’s been alone since.

Most people who were brought up in the past half century have been taught to live this way, by their own rules, building the world they want. That belief—Klinenberg calls it “the cult of the individual”—may be the closest thing American culture has to a common ideal, and it’s the premise on which a lot of single people base their lives. If you’re ambitious and you’ve had to navigate a tough job market, alone can seem the best way to approach adulthood. Those who live by themselves are light on their feet (they’re able to move as the work demands) and flexible with their time (they have no meals to come home for). They tend to be financially resilient, too, since no one else is relying on their income. They are free to climb. To a particular kind of hyper-ambitious young person, entering into a domestic commitment too early carries a risk: what if you end up yoked to somebody who lacks the stamina to keep up? “For a rising generation of aspiring professionals, the twenties and early thirties is precisely not the time to get married and have a family,” Klinenberg observes.

Klinenberg’s research suggests that our usual perceptions about life alone get things backward. Far from being a mark of social abandonment, the solo life tends to be a path for moving ahead, for taking control of one’s circumstances. And, rather than consigning individuals to suffer in their solitude, aloneness may come at a cost to the community. The single life is inherently self-interested: it calls for vigilance on matters of self-preservation both large (financial autonomy) and small (dish detergent), and, in many cases, it frees the solitary from the sorts of daily interaction that help craft a sense of shared responsibility.

For one person, that may be a good deal. But, multiplied across a population, it becomes problematic. In a landmark study, “Bowling Alone” (2000), the Harvard political scientist Robert D. Putnam noted a puzzling three-decade decline in what he called “social capital”: the networks of support and reciprocity that bind people together and help things get done collectively. His work considered the waning of everything from P.T.A. enrollment to dinner parties and card games, but the core of his argument was declining civic participation. Between 1973 and 1994, the number of people who held a leadership role in any local organization fell by more than half. Newspaper readership among people under thirty-five dropped during a similar period, as did voting rates. Why? Putnam pointed to cultural shifts among the post-Second World War generation; the privatization of leisure (for example, TV); and, to a smaller extent, the growth of a commuting culture and the time constraints of two-career, or single-parent, family life. “Older strands of social connection were being abraded—even destroyed—by technological and economic and social change,” he wrote.

Putnam, in other words, saw public institutions as a casualty of the same forces of individuation driving modern aloneness. And, unlike Klinenberg, who’s optimistic about solo life largely because he’s optimistic about the socializing effects of technology, Putnam believed that digital communication offers too weak a connection to reverse the loss of community skills. Good socialization is a prerequisite for life online, not an effect of it, he pointed out; without a real-world counterpart—the possibility of running into Web friends “at the grocery store”—Internet contact gets ranty, dishonest, and weird. What’s more, “real-world interactions often force us to deal with diversity, whereas the virtual world may be more homogeneous.” People lose the habit of reaching out to build bridges when they’re most needed. Technology may help us to feel less lonely, but it doesn’t really make us any less alone.

“Bowling Alone” appeared more than a decade ago—an eternity in technology years. And yet the intervening time has, if anything, intensified Putnam’s concerns. A couple of recent books re-articulate them for the Facebook age. One of these, “Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other” (2011), by the M.I.T. psychologist Sherry Turkle, takes issue with the basic promises of digital connection. She thinks that togetherness, far from being strengthened by technology, has been crowded out by “the half-light of virtual community.”

Turkle is an unlikely candidate for this genre of techno-skepticism. Two of her previous books, “The Second Self” (1984) and “Life on the Screen” (1995), looked to a future of digital connection. Since then, though, her enthusiasm has foundered. Today, she’s unsettled by kids who text in lieu of making phone calls, by adults who answer e-mail during lectures, by Furbies, and by a recent book called “Love and Sex with Robots.” She thinks that technology is simultaneously drawing us away from social fulfillment and keeping us from finding solace in being alone. “To experience solitude you must be able to summon yourself by yourself,” she writes. “Many find that, trained by the Net, they cannot find solitude even at a lake or beach or on a hike.”

Turkle’s research assumes that connecting through technology is, essentially, a choice. But what’s the alternative? There’s a wistfulness in her plea for face time that runs through several studies of this kind. In “Together: The Rituals, Pleasures, and Politics of Cooperation” (Yale), Richard Sennett argues that coöperation is a skill—one that, until recently, all adults were forced to learn. Now that we’re losing challenging, diverse forms of interaction in the workplace and at school, he worries, we’re growing up without this training. “A distinctive character type is emerging in modern society, the person who can’t manage demanding, complex forms of social engagement, and so withdraws,” he writes. It’s a compelling model, but a limited one—what if Sennett is simply looking for coöperation in the wrong places? “Together” is a book about messy, productive collaboration that makes no mention anywhere of Wikipedia.

Given our digital habits, the question isn’t whether we should use technology to ease our loneliness. It’s how. One day this past October, a New Yorker named Jeff Ragsdale, recently dumped and down on his luck, taped a flyer around Manhattan. It read, “If anyone wants to talk about anything, call me.” He included his cell-phone number. Within a day, he had received about a hundred calls and text messages. When people started posting pictures of the flyer on Reddit.com, the social-news Web site, that number jumped to seven hundred calls and a thousand text messages daily. The best—and worst—of these have been collected in a new book, “Jeff, One Lonely Guy” (Amazon), edited by David Shields and Michael Logan. Jeff’s contacts are variously melancholy (“I’m the Minister of Depression”), engaged (“I don’t fall in love. I love jazz”), and perplexing (“I went through a traumatic breakup. Now I want to work in finance”). But there’s an undertow of pathos that often comes starkly to the surface, as here:


Dad beat me, my sister, and my mom, and he finally got arrested. He went to prison and a mental institution. . . . I went through a bunch of foster homes. . . . He tried to contact me on Facebook, but I didn’t respond. . . . I tried to kill myself at 17 with an overdose of sleeping pills. The ambulance took me away.


Or here:


After I did 9 years in the military, I worked as an X-ray tech at a trauma center. I lost my faith in humanity there. . . . I drank a 12-pack a night. I broke down finally when this homeless guy came in. He had lice in his dreadlocks so bad that he put ethyl alcohol all over his dreads and then lit a cigarette. Poof.


Turkle suggests that this kind of confession is a way of deflecting direct conflict: it can be easier to tell your woes and secrets to a stranger (or a lot of strangers) than to heal your wounds with people who are actually in your life. But black-box confession isn’t new to the computer age, and the main thing that distinguishes Jeff’s activities from the work of a priest or a counsellor is his lack of training. His callers know that. Many have aired their problems previously through professional channels and now want to connect with someone who’s like them—someone who has nothing practical to offer but who may understand. It probably helps, a little. The truth is that lonely people at home typically contact friends, loiter in bookstores, work in cafés, take on roommates, open OKCupid profiles, or dance Tecktonik at a rave. They do what Klinenberg’s subject Kimberly did, and bring people into their lives. They text Jeff. They don’t sit by themselves for months staring at their coffee tables.

The real perils of life alone are more specific. Klinenberg had aimed to work past his knee-jerk idea about being alone—namely, that it’s an awful way to live in moments of disaster. But the cautionary gist of his study is basically: it’s an awful way to live in moments of disaster. Caught off guard, solo-goers can be left without recourse. This is a problem particularly for the elderly, who are often rendered single by the death of a spouse and whose risk of health or domestic disaster runs high.

Klinenberg offers many proposals for dealing with such eventualities, some reasonable (he suggests better funding programs to provide the elderly with caretakers), a few quixotic (he has real hopes for social robots). But even elective solo-going doesn’t alleviate the old-age problem. This decade will deliver the first cohort of senior citizens who reached adulthood after the liberalizations of the sixties—the baby boomers are collecting Social Security. As a consequence, we’re starting to encounter a group of old folks for whom aloneness is a choice, an identity, an exercise of freedom. And the ethics of senior care will change as a result. If Mom has lived alone, successfully and proudly, for four decades, is it socially responsible to move her to a home when she stops remembering to pay her gas bill? Or is it an offense against the person she has spent adulthood laboring to be?

At one point, Klinenberg introduces us to Dee, a ninety-year-old widow who has lived alone for the past twenty-nine years in a Harlem apartment, and has no intention of leaving, ever. “This is my house,” she says, not unreasonably. “The idea of a nursing home and—what is the other thing?—assisted living. I dread the thought of it.” Today, this fierce autonomy is striking from somebody of Dee’s age and generation; thirty years on, it may be the norm. The ease with which we can lead a single life is, as sociologists show, a social achievement in itself. And the people who suffer most from aloneness are those who require the most care to begin with. Otherwise, we would do well not to worry too much. The greatest grace of living single is the existence of other people who are doing the same. Widowers find friends at clubs or churches. Single mothers weave a network of support. Even rom-com characters find love, to the applause of strangers. They’re no longer alone, the story goes. But, then again, they never really were. ♦



Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2012/04/16/120416crbo_books_heller#ixzz2JV0lFFec

Pagan Poetry

Tell it like it is

If you want something to play with
Go and find yourself a toy

Lessons not yet learned

Ill-begotten pleasures inevitably lead to bitter endings.

The Road Less Traveled

I need to write more. Sometimes it feels as if my existence is like that metaphorical tree falling alone in the woods, with no witnesses. When you live untethered from society's institutions you must find daily justification for your own existence. And its not easy. But didn't I come here - to this teeming, throbbing city, to the heart of all that is good and evil about this Empire to do just that - to justify my own existence, to burnish the soft blob of my life into something more pointed, more fine, more beautiful? I must maintain this goal; if only I can continue to soldier on through the lonely, ungratifying days - tripped up along the path by people who don't understand me - CAN'T understand me and who want something from me none-the-less. Hungry men who want to use me to justify their own existence because they are lazy; they don't want to feel alone so they want a warm body beside them (never mind that they are not even capable of a meaningful conversation), men who want to use my body to give themselves pleasure and whose next impulse is to then slip away into the night - men who are so terrified of the responsibility to another human being that they'd rather spend their evenings basking in the glow of their television set rather than having to commune with another human being. NO, I do not exist to serve these men and I cannot deny the perverse pleasure it gives me to disdain them, even trick them!

But I must not allow myself to lapse into pettiness. I know what I seek - beyond a reason for my life, beyond an accumulation of disparate and chaotic experiences, I want to find a way in which I can somehow be of service - not for the cheap chores that I'm solicited for daily, but for something more complex, deeper, relevant in a broader way. And I'd like a companion, a fellow traveler - someone who is capable of plumbing the depths, someone curious and intense, someone who desires to know himself, to know me, to know others and who has an interesting vision for the world. Someone who is not afraid, or even if he is - who plunges forward with courage.

The Games We Play

But he objectified me as surely as if I were a pretty little doll plucked from a fancy store window. He’d caught a glimpse of me fairly skipping down my street and he held it in his mind for months slowly turning it over like a piece of candy that one’s tongue probes repeatedly, savoring its sweetness. Of course he’d embellished things too – I wasn't really skipping, I was walking and my black belted coat became a dress in his mind, my hips swaying with assurance. I knew all this because he would recount it numerous times; describing my walk, my look, my attire and never accurately - the picture was always airbrushed for effect. It was as if I was more vivid in his fantasy than in reality. And he was never so amorous and desiring as when I was at distance from him, I’d wake up to ardent text messages describing his impulse to kiss every inch of my body, to lay his lips in my thighs, to taste my skin.

As for my part, I relished the fantastical element of it all. For we were alike in some ways. Two overgrown children heading toward middle age – indulgent and lazy, desiring a life of little responsibility; worshiping the fleeting high of momentary pleasure and likewise deploring the stodginess of propriety. How little we both cared for rules, and the delight we took in our frivolous role playing. We lost ourselves in each other sexually - indulging in each other’s bodies hungrily, hedonistically. We were greedy the way addicts are greedy – we could never get enough, we lived in constant anxiety of the last drop of our ill-earned pleasure drying up and escaping us. I don’t know about him but I can say I hated the prosaic reality of the day – to – day and I scorned any conversation or behavior which hinted at convention rather than what I believed to be a pure expression of intellect or passion. For his part, like most men, he lived in perpetual dread of ‘labeling’ our relationship and of my probing questions when I attempted to discern his feelings for me. Certainly, we were both arrogant and intent upon indulging ourselves. Yet there was true tenderness there, I could feel it in the way he held me and touched me, it emanated out of me accidentally - in the looks I gave him, in the way I kissed him.

Islands in the Stream

Oh how self-indulgent I’ve been, picking at the shabby threads of my life. Unraveling everything I’ve tried to build. Godless, arrogant, angry - I’ve been intent on destroying myself. I cannot live for myself but I refuse to live for another. The world appears random, chaotic and cruel. How others suffer. And all my little luxuries and beauty seem insignificant and pointless. Small futile gestures thrown into a dark encircling gulf. The crushing mechanisms of power and blind certainty inevitably breaking relentlessly over the defenseless of the world. Defenseless through no fault of their own but merely because of the accident of their birth, the bodies and skin they inhabit. I feel powerless to stop the injustice of it, mired in my own myopic desperation and uncertainty. If only I could open my heart to love, to not be afraid, to trust. If there is any meaning it must be in kindness, it must be in abandoning the stale orbit of ourselves - glowing like isolated little suns in a black universe, ignorant of everyone else and the space we share.

Not So Innocent

There comes a time when I must acknowledge my own role in the utter chaos that is my life. I don't always behave in upstanding ways. And since I've moved to New York, I think I've started to become a bit of a player myself. While it seems close to impossible to meet someone I'm truly compatible with - there has been an endless supply of young, attractive men to have fun with. Its become dangerously addictive. Though I was painfully shy and inexperienced with men in high school and my first year or two of college - boy have I made up for it ever since!

I meet guys everywhere now. There's a new one nearly every single week. Usually it goes nowhere - we go out a couple times and I lose interest. Or if I do like them, they start acting like jerks once I reciprocate their interest. On any given day I have several different guys texting me. Most of these men I never sleep with, many of them I never so much as even kiss. Sometimes I can't tell if its them I'm interested in or just their attention. I know this makes me sound like a jerk. Maybe I am - but everyone wants to feel attractive and desirable. And at the end of the day if you don't feel loved; you might be tempted to settle for something at bit more superficial.

Last night I was out with friends dancing and drinking at a bar. I don't even remember how things got started but the next thing I know I'm talking to this guy and he's saying things like "I'm your number one fan!!!" and "I'm really into you." I'm like WTF, you don't even KNOW me! He kept following me around all night. Then I wake up today to text messages from 2 different guys - one from a guy I used to date saying "Good morning beautiful, my angel" and another one from my current 'lover' saying "I want to kiss every inch of your body".

I've become cynical. None of it represents the type of love and connection I'm looking for. But these trifling flirtations, though ultimately unsatisfying, are as deliciously intoxicating as junk food. When I look at things from this perspective, it makes it hard to feel sorry for myself. This merry-go-round makes me dizzy (a sensation I've always loved), and on a good day its ridiculously fun, BUT ultimately I want to get off. The problem is I just don't know how.

Lady Lazarus

"Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air...."

A Terrible Shiny Thing

The dowdy little houses with sandpaper flapping at their shabby seams hardly elicit a flick of emotion in me. I who was once of the country, who knew the shabbiness of rural poverty, the claustrophobia of the dark gathering woods, the small squalid towns with their provincial ways frowning upon any divergence from the most unremarkable mediocrity. The eyes of the locals regarding any newcomer with a dull and unimpassioned hostility. I feel my own transition from this world of fields and streams, of ponds full of silvery fish, ragged marshes and the rustle of leaves in the wind - to an anxious urbanite - a biting, jagged edge barely concealed beneath a bright surface. Impatient, overly hungry with a trace of bitterness revealed in the tight gathers at the corners of my lips. The swell of people in the cities - of every imaginable color, shape, scent and class - each inscrutable face sealing a chamber of alluring secrets. Wild creatures in their natural habitat of concrete and steel, flashing across the edifices of buildings like shining birds fluttering through the trees. The soft dark eyes and damp skin of exotic men beckons on swarming streets and crowded subway cars. Evenings like these - the heavy limpid air, vaguely unclean, presses upon bare shoulders and fawns over my body like a warm, overly close breath. It is here that I make my home now, here that my soul feels itself liberated, that the infinite possibilities of a strange and exciting future unravel in my head. But its here too that my solitary, scant existence among this vociferous bounty weighs upon me, a close companion though out hot, humid summer nights when I toss on my cheap sheets cursing the futility of my existence. There can be no refuge in this world that is not merely a sweet tang of temporary relief amid the trudging onward of our lives.

Figuring it out

This blog is by nature about my relationships - as pathetic, fleeting, heartbreaking, glorious, fun, irresponsible, well-intentioned, sad, sexy, or otherwise, they have been. And sometimes its been a combination of the above! It ain't called LOVE & Mental Illness for nothin'!

I'm not going to write about my career (or lack thereof!), my friends and family (only vaguely and on rare occasions because I want to be respectful), politics, art, my hobbies, or other personal issues. But it IS about dating and sex and love and all those things in between.

Life is not always pretty or practical and I make lots of bad choices, but writing this is like keeping a journal; its cathartic. Writing down my thoughts helps me to clarify them. Why do I do it in a public forum? I'm not sure. Maybe to feel that I'm not alone in all this, maybe because I hope someone else can relate, maybe because I'm delusional and I think for some strange reason a couple people might get a vicarious thrill or derive some amusement from these stories and anecdotes.

Its also about my relationship with New York City, my relationship with myself and my patterns of behavior. I'd like to say that I'm learning a lot and growing wiser and more mature but that's not always true - sometimes I totally fuck up and engage in completely ridiculous behavior. But someday in the distant future I hope I can read over all this and it will make some kind of sense. Until then, the madness ebbs and flows...

Today was a good day

I didn't even have to use my AK...

I haven't been in the greatest mood lately. Truth be told, I've been just a touch angry.
OK...OK...I've been in a bitter, scathing rage. The kind of rage that let's me walk down the street not caring if I live for die; the kind of rage that makes me fantasize about tying certain men's balls in knots, the kind of rage that makes me want to kick random people and yell at babies, the kind of rage that makes me explode to my therapist that there's 'just too many fucking people in this city!!!'
It gives me a sliver of empathy for people who freak out and commit violent acts. I'm not condoning violence, nor am I going to lose my $hit, but I can kinda see where they're coming from.

I won't go into WHY I'm angry, that's too deep and personal to really take the time to articulate here but suffice to say that I haven't been feeling the greatest about things.

Anyway, what I finally realized today is that I have to stop playing these foolish games with men. The men I've met in NYC are trifling, at best. To spent time with them is to waste my time. No one has shown a sincere interest in me in ages. So in the spirit of not beating a dead horse, I need to let it (the search for love and companionship), let THEM go... Truth be told, I'm not gonna miss anyone that much!

I need to come to terms with the fact (and here's where it gets kinda deep, and scary too) that I'm scared I can't take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I really, really want to try but I'm terrified of the responsibility of having a family - or even a pet - and all those other things that most people just seem to be able to do without overanalyzing them to death. It might sound dumb, or heartless or self indulgent. But I'm scared of making mistakes and hurting people.

I guess the reality is we all hurt people and other living creatures, even if we try not to. The best we can do is bring a little awareness to the table and try to minimize the damage we do. I just gotta take the plunge. And maybe sometimes its OK for me to be angry. It might even be OK for me to be a bitch, on occasion. Hey, that sounds fun!

After therapy I ate an ice cream and sat in Central Park. I watched a squirrel drink from a puddle and little birds bathe in it. I watched the pedicabs roll by full of tourists gesticulating to the building tops of Columbus Circle, barely visible over the trees. I looked at the sad horses towing ramshackle old carts, their heads topped with tattered feathers in a fake attempt at jauntiness. I watched the cart drivers cluck to their horses and the pedicab drivers' rhythmically pumping calves. I think most of them were from other countries. I tried to imagine their dreams when they came here to New York, their struggles and goals, the families they left behind.

After a while everything didn't seem so bad.

You Can Make It Alone...

Ahhhh Brooklyn, I think I love you. I know its unrequited, sadly like so many of my affections. And our love isn't perfect, that's for sure. Sometime you annoy the hell out of me, you're big and dirty and full of so goddamn many people. But at the end of the night, I can't wait to rush home to you. The comfort of my own little neck of the woods; the faded but elegant lines of my little studio await me in Crown Heights. I know I'm slightly out of place here and yet being an outsider is what makes me comfortable, its all I know. From my childhood on, I've always known what it was like to be different, to be alone. And now it comforts me.

As I walk down these hot dusky streets, shadows and shade etched by the drooping branches of ancient trees - as street-wizened as the old men that lounge languorously on their stoops smiling and nodding hello to passersby, I'm enveloped by a keen joy that is almost as sweet and piercing as sadness. This is a place where children still dance through hoses, jump double dutch and play ball in the street. Its not Mr. Roger's neighborhood though, its not innocent - there's a vague sense of danger and gathering intensity on hot nights. But the streets feel alive, compassionate, humming with life here - not dead and vacant like yawning suburban streets - empty, wide and engulfing - with only the blue blur of TVs flickering in windows to indicate that any sort of life exists. Or worse yet, the silent hostile lines of tall pines crowding a dark sky bursting with cold stars,the lonely hush of the forest, the feeling of wilderness stretching around you, void of people, dark tangles of branches and wild animals baying at each other in moon saturated meadows. That was MY childhood, the feeling of dark jagged pines closing in, the feeling of being adrift - a small oasis of human life in a giant undulating sea of dark, stern, pressing hills.

So I'm here now. Embraced by the chaos of the urban jungle. Trying to live and love. And making a big mess of it all as usual. Somehow, I think I just might be OK, on my own, after all. Or at least for now...

Spring Cleaning

Well, today has been productive - I've gotten rid of 3 guys in one day!
After an atrociously boring and awkward dinner date last night with the Indian guy who needs a green card during which I repeatedly attempted to make conversation, only to have him sit their limply, I had to cut him off once and for all.  I was considering taking him home (he's alright in bed) but he was just so...bleh, I couldn't bare to do it.  I've tried to have compassion for him and help him find a job or a girl to marry but I just can't endure it anymore, he brags about how stubborn he is and how he won't ask his cousin (who is high up at Google) for a job because he doesn't like him, he blatantly says he has 'no interest' in music and states he only cares about sports.  DULL, duller and more dull!  Then today he starts texting me about how he wishes he could have come over last night.  Forget it dude, you barely upheld your end of the conversation, were completely listless, answered your phone during dinner, didn't compliment me... All this after texting me all day how he missed me and wanted to see me and then he shows up and acts like a complete jerk.  Forget it.  So I told him - 'sorry we have nothing in common, let's just move on'.

Next up was a guy who, after two quite chaste dates, asked me via text message how many men I'd slept with. He also went on to judge one of my friends who he'd met briefly in passing, later texting me about how he can't stand it when voluptuous women 'pander to their skinny self absorbed friends'.  WTF?!  Seriously???!  I'd already told him I didn't appreciate his judgments and assumptions and I had ignored his texts over the last few days hoping he'd get the message.  Well, today I got a message suggesting I come over and watch Chris Rock videos with him during the thunderstorms.  To which I replied 'Sorry, who is this?' (I'd deleted his number).  With customary arrogance, he sent a text saying 'Its me'.  Now if I had a nickle for every time I get a text or call from a guy referring to himself as 'me' I'd be rich!  If only they knew how many 'me's were out there!  Ha ha... So, I politely told him I didn't enjoy his assumptions and judgments about my friends or my sexuality and didn't want to hear from him ever again.  DONE.

Finally, I had to clarify things with a cute guy who owns a business in the neighborhood who I'd been out with once. He seemed sweet but I was beginning to suspect he was a player only out for one thing.  Sure enough when he said he missed me and my 'beautiful smile' and I suggested that he make time to hang out again - I got back a message stating that he just simply 'couldn't get excited about a woman unless he had a sexual relationship with her' because 'sex was 80% of a relationship.' Huh.  Now clearly I'm no prude and I happen to enjoy sex QUITE a bit but if someone can't even give me a couple dates before expecting to hook up, that's just pathetic.  NEXT...
I've got a date lined up for Thursday and another for next Tuesday.  I hope these guys are smarter and more civilized but we'll see.

New York

"The soft rush of taxis by him, and laughter, laughter hoarse as a crow's, incessant and loud, with the rumble of the subways underneath - and over all, the revolutions of light, the growing and recedings of light - light dividing like pearls - forming and reforming in glittering bars and circles and monstrous grotesque figures cut amazingly in the sky.
...There were the bells and the continued low blur of auto horns from Fifth Avenue, but his own street was silent and he was safe in here from all the threats of life, for there was his door and the long hall and his guardian bedroom - safe, safe! The arc-light shining into his window seemed for this hour like the moon, only brighter and more beautiful than the moon."
- from The Beautiful and Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald